My Memorial Day and Cross Country

Somehow a year has flown by again.  They have a way of doing that the older you get.  So much has happened and yet nothing has changed.  I'm sitting here at the same kitchen table, looking through the same memorial book letters, praying that I am the woman I need to be.....praying that I raise my kids so they hold true to the ideals of the red, white and blue: God, family and country, especially in these times when the whole world seems tolerant of everything except for their Catholic Christian faith.

So, May 8th is my personal Memorial Day.  It didn't "weigh on my mind" as much as last year's 10th Anniversary did-I was dreading that months and months before it ever came.  This year the thought that "it's almost May" began the last week of March-then it came up a few more times in April, before becoming a pressing thought over the weekend....this year it was because I came down with a serious case of food poisoning.....and while moving from bed to bathroom floor to toilet and back again, I began comparing it to all the flu cases/food poisoning illnesses I've had in my entire adult life.  Does anyone else do that?  Well, I do.  This past weekend's case rated as the number two worse case I've had.  I was out of commission for several days and for the first two days I wasn't sure if it was food poisoning or a return of the nasty norovirus that the whole family caught in March for nine days.  So, I know you are all just dying to know: the number one worse case was when Jason, Jessie and I, along with forty some other family members, all caught the flu from some grieving person that attended my paternal grandmother Marie's funeral.  We got sick somewhere in the middle of Illinois or Indiana at a rather dumpy motel, sharing one bathroom for three days.  Poor six year old Joey patiently watched cartoon network and occasionally asked us to get food from the gas station across the street and/or to order pizza.  I still remember the first morning how it literally took me three hours in between getting sick to buy the poor boy breakfast.  This happened about four months or so before Jason and I were married.  As we were finishing the drive home to Ohio, Jason joked, "Since we survived this, our marriage can survive anything."

So, that brings me to the number three and four episodes of the worse flu.  Number four was the last Christmas I got to spend with Chris.  We caught the flu from someone while flying home to Wisconsin, coming down sick in just minutes of each other, and unfortunately spread it to the rest of the extended family.  We had to delay Jessie's baptism from Christmas Eve to New Year's Eve and I had to get an iv for fluids since I was nursing six week old Jessie.  But I remember discovering that Chris' parents had installed the heating of their newly built house in their floors-and every time I am sick now I wish for that type of heating....so much nicer to lie on warm tiles than cold.  And the number three time?  Well, that was the following Christmas trip-when once again the flu came to the Starkweathers house over Christmas and we all got it again.  Everyone kept saying that they wished they had the kind Joey and Jessie did-they would feel sick, head to mommy and throw up on my feet/legs and then be off running and playing again.  I missed Chris so much-I felt so overwhelmed at the thought of having to survive every flu/kid illness/holiday without him....how was I ever going to survive?  And yet, somehow I have.  God's grace.....how He gives it just when you need it....you can't go borrowing it by worrying ahead of time.  I catch myself still doing that at times....wondering how would I ever be able to survive this or that....and then I have to remember I would do it the way I have survived these past thirty-six years....when that moment comes, God will supply the grace and strength I need for that moment...not one moment sooner, not one moment later.

A few months ago I needed to finally box up all of Chris' file folders that had been taking up the entire bottom drawer of my large filing cabinet.  Most of the records are military things and/or the filing system that he had for all our bills over eleven years ago.  Yes, most of them could probably be shredded at this point, but it was all I could do to box these up still eleven years later.  One file caught my eye that I never noticed the past two times I had packed them up to move houses:

Unfortunately, it didn't have his high school keepsakes in it like I was hoping.  Instead it contained:

Bellevue West Track and Cross Country Team info....from when we were stationed at Offutt Air Force Base in Bellevue, NE and Chris volunteered as an assistant coach for their cross country team.

But amazingly, it also contained this:

Chris had kept the calendar that the Belleview Cross Country team had given him....and that we had used for the year 2000.  (This was obviously before I realized the importance of keeping calendars to help with scrapbooks/life history, etc.)  The tears began to fall as I saw his handwriting on every page....because there was a reason he was promoted all the time-he was detailed oriented....but in September I found this:

Can you see what is written in his handwriting?

Here it is up close:

Yep, that's right...."Date night" in his handwriting, not mine, well the words "go out", aka, date night.  I've been racking my brain for months now....trying to remember where we went for that birthday date.  Both of us have September birthdays and I remember that it was our first date night since Joey had been born.  But I can't remember where we ate or what we did.  I can remember other countless dates and facts, but not this date....but here I find it thirteen years later to remind me how loved I was.  How touching that my hubby wrote our date night on the calendar.....how I miss deciphering his quickly written notes to tell me he had gone for a run.  (This was before the age of cell phones people-and don't we all love finding love notes even today?)

The kids are well-Joey will turn 13 next month and will probably be taller than me within the next year or so.  I can already wear his shoes.  Jessie is eleven and a half and becoming more beautiful each day.

Here they are playing with their lovely and lively sisters in the one short lived snow storm we got this year:

That's Jessie with three year old Anna in back and almost two year old Libby on the sled.

Here's Joey with four year old Katie on their boogie boards.

(You can see the grass peaking through-we didn't get much snow, but they made the most of it.)

We are working on a very special project for our family nicknamed: The St Nicholas Project.  So, in case I don't get a chance to blog more this month I just want to encourage you to take time this coming Memorial Day to take your kids to a service, whether it is at a cemetery or a church.  Take time to pray for our military-both active and deceased.  Memorial Day is for the living.  It is for us to pray and resolve to be better people-to be worthy of the sacrifice so many of our military are making on our behalf.

I take part in both our local Memorial Day and Veteran's Day services as a member at large of the Gold Star Wives group.  I usually present a memorial wreath.  This past March I was blessed to be a part of the first annual Vietnam Veteran's Day.  I was asked to sing God Bless America and even though I have to sing with my eyes closed so that I don't cry, I must do okay, because they've asked me to sing again this Memorial Day.  Jessie will be reading a poem and Joey will either be my escort and/or standing with the other boy scouts in uniform.

 Here's Anna in front of military jeep that was there in March.

  We teach our children to honor the military when we personally take the time to honor the military.

Last Father's Day 2012 I was able to visit Chris' memorial stone in Arlington Cemetary.  These words struck me from General Lee's widow:

"God knows the best time for us to leave this world & we must never question either his love or wisdom.  This is my comfort in my great sorrow, to know that had my husband lived a thousand years he could not have died more honoured & lamented even had he accomplished all we desired and hoped."

Chris' memorial stone is on a beautiful hillside since there isn't a body to be buried.  It is near the tomb of the unknown soldier.

Here are Anna and Katie by the tree-you can see our flowers around Chris' stone in the background.

Above is Anna and Libby playing in the rocks outside of Arlington House.  I can't believe how much hair Libby grew in this past year until I saw her bald head in these pictures!!!

Below is my best friend (other than my hubby Jason), Mike Cleary, while Joey plays with the rocks and acorns with the little ones under the shade of the tree-just as he did when we were there and he was three.

And, just so I don't get accused of never posting any pictures of myself.  Here I am at the National Basilica with the kids earlier that morning:

And here we are with Jason this past Easter (yep, still look the same-some things just don't change:)

Jessie and Joey:

Check out my tenth anniversary tribute here and why Memorial Day Matters here

May you feel the sweetness of your loved ones always with you this spring,

Stephanie

St Joseph Altar 2013

So, even though Jason made a public pledge at our wedding to take care of the children as St. Joseph took care of Mary and the baby Jesus.....and our son is named "Joseph*" we have never completed a St. Joseph altar.  This year was our first annual one-we will definitely complete another one!  (*I will note that when we were picking out baby names I was looking for Biblical names and there are several Joseph's that he could pick out as a role model.  After my first husband, Chris, and I decided on Joseph we finally realized how much of a "family" name it was: we both had a great grandfather Joseph; Chris' grandfather Pappap, Uncle Bob and Chris' brother James also have "Joseph" as a middle name.  It was just meant to be!  For those new to my blog, my first husband died almost eleven years ago.)

Instead of doing a small one on the 19th, we postponed our altar until Palm Sunday so we could have a large dinner and feed our "starving" friends.  We did start our novena prayers on March 10th though, but we kept praying them through Sunday the 24th.  It worked well, since we got palms and cattails at church that we could put on the altar.

This is my favorite statue of St. Joseph-I just love the tenderness that he holds Mama Mary and sweet baby Jesus.

Here's a close up.  I managed to buy this statue on ebay for a very reasonable price that included shipping.  It's a "small" version of the statue at just about 8 inches high:

So, here is our St. Joseph Altar all loaded up with food and the candles actually lit.  (The spaghetti is under the red towel and the baked salmon is under the tin foil.)

 (Don't you just love the kneeler?  I managed to "score it" at sidewalk days in my hometown of Fort Atkinson, WI this past summer for just $30.  I haven't had time to add padding to it, so we used a kneeler pillow that Jason's mom made for us several years ago.)

 Here is the altar with the food uncovered, before we were about to bless the food/altar.  We took the picture, covered the food back up for saying prayers and then Jason realized we hadn't lit the candles-oops!

So, a traditional St. Joseph Altar Meal has the following items: spaghetti, baked fish, minestrone soup (that's what is in the white soup tureen on the left hand side), fava beans (that is what is in the green and white bowl on the left hand side in front of the cake and pasta), and fried bread crumbs instead of cheese to put on the spaghetti and sauce to remind us of St. Joseph's wood shavings from his carpentry. The fried bread crumbs are in the blue dish on the right next to the tulips that one of our friends brought to put on the altar and/or hostess gift.  We have our spaghetti sauce in the pink covered bowl since I have several children that prefer their pasta without red sauce.

We have two different types of bread: the first one that is oval shaped is a traditional Italian Easter bread.  The one behind it was "Sicilian bread."  It is a tradition to also make the bread into the shapes of Joseph's tools or a staff from when he fled with the holy family into Egypt.  We ran out of time due to work and illnesses so ours is just store bought.  We also have several bottles of Italian wine and next to the bread is a St Joseph candle and oregano in a vase.  (It seemed fitting for the day plus it smelled heavenly.)  We had fruit next to that (just oranges and apples) and a red velvet cake that we added decorations to.  The two vases in front hold white lilies (a St. Joseph symbol) and cattails since as Byzantines we receive cattails with our palms on Palm Sunday.  (Since the church we go to is a Slovakian Byzantine Church they used cattails on Palm Sunday when they were unable to get fresh Palms.  Now that we can usually get both from a florist they tie them together with a white bow.)

We have a wonderful local Italian grocery store that I managed to buy pizzelles, macaroons, biscotti and other traditional Italian cookies at.  (Sorry-once again, nothing was handmade that way this year.)  Instead of having cream puffs, I went with Easter peeps for the kids.  They were a huge hit.  I also managed to buy two hyacinth pots for fresh flowers that I will be able to plant besides the tulips!  They are my favorite color-purple of course!  (And actually the tulips are my second favorite color of "coral orange!"  I'm not sure if my friend knew that or not, but it totally works for me!)

We used our piano to the left of the altar to hold our napkins, plates and silverware.  I also put out the two books that helped me learn about how to host a St. Joseph Altar.  The one on the far right is

St. Joseph Altars by Kerri McCaffety.  Amazing book!!!!  The pictures are so beautiful!!!  I was so inspired by this book about the St. Joseph Altars in New Orleans, LA that I now want to make a pilgrimage to New Orleans to see them someday!  The second book is the white one on the left.  It is Viva San Giuseppe.  This book was sited in the book by Kerri McCaffety.  It is now out of print, but you can receive a digital format of it when you make a donation to this St. Joseph Altar website.  The book was nice because it has several easy to make recipes and short prayers in it.  That above website also gives some history if you want to know more about this tradition.  The website helped inspire me to just "go big" for our first altar.  We ended up only having two families that were able to come, but that still meant that we fed fifteen people plus our seven and Jason's mom...so feeding 23 people isn't bad for our first altar meal.

I did print off the 3-D St. Joseph Altar coloring sheets from the above website and we handed them out to our Tuesday co-op on March 19th-the feast of St. Joseph!  They were a big hit with the kids.  My children also acted out the Holy Family play that is traditionally done where the Holy Family searches for a place to stay and then I used the worksheets to explain to the co-op kids what types of food normally go on a St. Joseph altar.

We had some serious prayer intentions for St. Joseph's intercession this year and I do have to admit that we received a phone call regarding one of them just three short days after we held our St. Joseph Altar meal!  Wow-that was fast work!:)

Since I am posting this blog post (finally) on Easter Sunday I would like to wish all of you a very Happy Easter!!!

May we all feel the love of Jesus who loved us so much that he conquered death for us!

Jason was blessed to be a confirmation sponsor for a friend's son this year, so we went to a Roman Catholic Vigil Easter Mass and will head to our Byzantine Divine Liturgy in just a few short hours.

Here's an updated picture of our cute kids!

From left to right: Jessie, Libby, Katie, Joey and Anna

These were our "blue and white themed" flower dresses this year.

Debbie crocheted that teal hat and sweater for Jessie this past Christmas.

Pink themed dresses will be donned in just a few short hours.  Hee Hee.

I actually love this picture more because Joey is looking away in the picture at a friend.  My first husband Chris was famous for always having his eyes shut in pictures....Joey is reminding me of Chris here, especially the way he is holding his mouth.

May you know the sweetness of Jesus' love this Easter Season and hold him in your heart the sweet way that Joseph held both Mary and Jesus in his,

Stephanie

I will be linking to the following blogs:

4th Annual St. Joseph Altar Blog Fest

My Romantic Home

Wild Dogs and Truck Rides

It has been a long three months.  Basically someone in the family has been sick since New Year's.  I'm so ready for spring to come and good health to return.

On top of that we finally had an amazing assistant manager hired-almost had her completely trained-and she just had to resign due to unexpected circumstances.  We thankfully can promote within the store and have already hired a promising new applicant to fill in the regular spot, but it has meant long hours-add to it that Easter is early this year-so God is providing abundance during a normal scarce time of year monetarily-and you have a recipe for high stress even without family sickness.

Finally, last week we had a pack of dogs kill our steer and goat.  They were starting to attack Toronto, the miniature horse, when my mother-in-law managed to scare them off.  Things have been reported to the sheriff and the dog warden-but he supposedly couldn't even find the next two houses down the road to tell those families that we will shoot their dogs on sight if we see them on our property.  Jason finally goes to talk to the neighbors after five days and they claim that it wasn't their dogs, but a pack of wild dogs......so now we wait-the children are stuck in the house until further notice.  Jason is hoping that he will be able to bait and trap the dogs, whether they are wild or our neighbors, by setting traps on our property.  Basically something the county dog warden should do, but isn't.  Hopefully this situation will be resolved fast, because I really don't want to be walking around my property with a gun all summer to protect my kids playing outside or while we are working in the garden....but I will be a modern version of a pioneer woman if I have to be.  I will not live in fear.

So, this past Tuesday did not start out well.  A certain child was being resistant at doing their school work correctly AND refused to pack a lunch for homeschool co-op.  Seriously?  Needless to say, I kind of lost my mind on the child....it would be one thing if we didn't have food in the house...but we had plenty of options.....Then later I was beginning to feel like the world's worst mother for my response-because I should have just let the child have the real world lesson of feeling hunger for their stubbornness and bad grades for not doing their work.....but to be honest, I was more worried about what other moms would think of me.....sending my child without a lunch...child not doing their school work......later that day I realized that I was coming down with a cold and a uti, because I guess with all the stress I had been forgetting to drink water.  I am more prone to uti's since the bladder collapse last year.  That made me feel guiltier as the world's worst mother-"oh, I took my illness out on my child", blah, blah.

Thankfully my Tuesday night plans changed, so Jason came back to work after teaching his co-op class and I picked up the kids-and we "left Dodge."  We drove to Pittsburgh to go Easter clothes shopping at a consignment store.  You should have seen the joy on all 5 kids faces when I said we were going to eat at Chick-fil-et in Pittsburgh before we left town.  We ate, they played in the playground and then with God's sense of wonderful timing, the restaurant had their family night activities that day: so we got two crafts, balloon animals and free ice cream for the kids-all for the low price of $35-the cost of our meals.  (Libby doesn't really like ice cream yet-so yeah, mommy got some too!)  Then it was off to the consignment store where we managed to score 8 dresses, 8 pairs of shoes, and 4 cardigan sweaters for the same price of what 5 Easter dresses on sale this week at Target would have cost us.  We ended the trip at a craft store-where there is a bathroom-and got a few more things we needed.

The 1 hour and 15 minute drive home was pure bliss.  We prayed our family rosary and all five kids fell asleep.  For a half hour there was just me in the truck in the dark in silence counting my blessings.  I love to drive.  My favorite memories as a teenager are the weekends my mom would drive us down to Iowa to see her family and we would sing with our boom box blasting music all the way down.  I loved the travel of military life: driving across country-singing to the radio-seeing new places-how beautiful our country is.  Driving usually soothes my soul and Tuesday night was the best medicine I could get.  I had to stop for gas so the older child that I had the conflict with earlier in the day woke up.  Radio was kept "off" and in the silence and dark the child talked for the last twenty minutes home....non-stop....and I didn't understand most of what was said about video games, but we were communicating again and Wednesday would be a new day.

Wishing all of you the sweetness of the healing and light of a blessed Holy Week and Easter,

Stephanie

  

Frugal Living in January

Here's hoping that everyone survived the past fall and holidays and is still having a blessed New Year!

I for one though am ready for February to be here! January has been rough financially, between the shrinking size of the paychecks this month to unexpected doctor and car repair bills, we are definitely feeling "the pinch" around here.  Just as the one country song sings, we "had too much month at the end of the money."

Since my blog is suppose to also be about frugal living, I thought I would post some of the things that we have done this month to try to help the budget. None of them are rocket science-you probably already do some of them yourself, but I know that I receive inspiration from several blogs that regularly post about frugality so I list these to help anyone who may need encouragement today!

1) Meal Planning, Shopping List, Leftover List, Snack List and Frozen Meal List

We even use scrap paper to write the lists on!:) Since the front of our fridge is not magnetic we use scotch tape to attach them. I have done a weekly meal and shopping list for over13 years now (and like many of us I pay the "extra" price for any weeks that we fall off the bandwagon.) New to our lifestyle starting this fall though is that we now post a "leftover/snack" list and a frozen meal list. We were blessed with so many meals when I was on bedrest again last fall that we had to freeze some of them (or at least half of a meal when we didn't finish them.) We used up quite a bit over November and December when I was working full time at the store. We will definitely try to freeze extra meals next fall to help prepare us for our busy holiday time at our store! It's nice to be able to see what leftovers/ready made meals/sides we still have on hand each week so that when the schedule goes haywire I know what I can prepare quickly for the family without stopping for fast food. (For instance: we forgot to prepare our crock pot meal for Tuesday night, so Jason bought frozen pizzas on his way home with the kids and supplemented with other sides/fruit.) We also started listing snacks for the kids as well because I got so tired of the kids asking me what they could eat. Some weeks I even list breakfast ideas since we stopped buying boxed cereal last summer. Boxed cereal has now become a birthday/holiday treat. It was just killing the food budget since each kid would eat 2-3 bowls and still be hungry again within 2 hours. Since we are Byzantine we eat meatless every Wednesday and Friday. We also try to do one to two leftover supper nights per week (unless the kids and I have finished the leftovers for lunches. Then I have to improvise of course.)

#2: Curtain door/Not heating every room in the house

Back in August 2011 we moved our bedroom into what used to be the office/library room and the adjoining music room. It was our way of making a "bedroom suite" where one hadn't existed before in the old part of our 1860's built farmhouse. The bonus: the office room has an adjoining bathroom. (Jason had this "epiphany" idea after listening to me complain/"dream" for the six months of my first bedrest for the wall to be knocked down so I wouldn't have to walk so far to the bathroom. Plus, Jason literally only had 4 inches of space to be able to walk around the bed to get to his side of the bed from the doorway. When we made the new suite, we moved the door that had been between the formal dining room and the kitchen to be used as our new bedroom door. Since our house is so old you can't just buy a "standard" size door to replace an item. All the doors to the house have to be specially made since they are all smaller/bigger than today's standard size....which means it's a small fortune to replace a door. Last winter we put up with the cold draft from the formal dining room, but this year is colder, so we bought this gorgeous kitchen and curtain rod while Christmas shopping back in November and finally hung it up this month. (Budget Item: bought them at Wal-Mart.) The kitchen is warm again! Jason did manage to hang up two curtains we already owned as a doorway blocker between the two rooms of the master suite back in November. That helps in two ways: when he gets up between 4:30-5:00 in the morning, he can turn on the light in the other room without disturbing me or the babies. It also helps with heat right now because we are not heating that part of the suite. So, what rooms are we heating? Kitchen, living room and the 3 bedrooms. The master bath heater gets turned on periodically when the bathroom is being used for showers and extended use. Our second bathroom doesn't actually have a heater, so we usually just try to leave the door open during the day for the living room wood stove to heat it up. That means we are not heating the following spaces: front entryway, office, formal dining room, previously mentioned bathrooms and second room of the master suite, and the guest room/homeschool room (unless someone is staying there overnight or the kids need privacy. Lately though they have just been homeschooling in front of the kitchen heater, the living room or their bedrooms.)

#3: Pigs have been made into bacon

We had purchased 3 pigs this past August.

Miss Priss (weighing in at 400 plus pounds) was purchased when we bought some other livestock. We had been told that she was expecting piglets, but unfortunately the breeding didn't take. She was too old to get bacon or ham, but we got tons of bratwurst, sausage and ground pork from her. We had friends that offered us their open spot for butchering since they had unfortunately lost two piglets, so we go her butchered in December. Jason had quite the adventure to get her loaded and keep her on the trailer when they tried to load our friend's piglet.

Even though our two piglets were only at about 230 pounds (you usually want them to be closer to 250 pounds) we took them to market this past week so we wouldn't have to purchase anymore corn. We had subzero weather and since pigs don't have any fur they have to consumer A TON of food to keep their body temperature up. We cut our losses and look forward to having Easter ham and bacon. We also began selling off some of the extra meat from Miss Priss to help make room in the freezer and for some extra moolah.

#4 We didn't place a food co-op order and we are canceling another automatic shipment order.

We belong to a food co-op and since we had to pay for the extra doctor and car repair bills somehow, we dipped into the food shopping expenses. We are eating out of our freezer and pantry this month. I have resisted all those "sale signs" and have only bought fresh milk, eggs, orange juice, bread/bagels/english muffins, lunch meat/cheese, fruit/veggies and cat litter/cat and dog food. Some of the meals are starting to be very creative, but that's how it works when shopping from one's pantry. We have also decided to cancel our automatic monthly shipments from another company. We will use up what we have stored from them and then decide how to proceed: do we restart monthly shipments or buy from somewhere else? Decisions, decisions, decisions....

#5: Potty Training

Since we will be mostly at home for the next 10 days, I have decided to "bite the bullet" and get serious about potty training Anna. She showed all the signs of being ready to potty train at the end of the summer/during my bedrest and my friend Barbara did start trying while she was here. It was just too much to continue after she left, so we restarted this week. Of course, I didn't realize that the water line had frozen to my washing machine out in the garage before I started, so I am already behind in washing...sigh....Lowe's was all sold out of the heat tape from other people having this same problem with the subzero temperatures. Thankfully Jason remembered that he had bought some tape after we had this same problem four years ago during the last deep freeze. He managed to find it so hopefully I'll have water soon. If not, I'll be digging out one of our extra space heaters to blow on the pipes as well. I'm praying that Anna catches on soon and that I will have more patience than I had on the first day. (Though the lack of patience probably had more to do with not feeling the best and the kids all acting crazy.) It will be nice to have that extra $20-40 back in the food budget rather than spending it on disposable pull-ups. I already had the cloth training pants from Katie, though I may need to order more plastic covers to have on hand. Thankfully I also have Libby still to potty train so it's an investment that I will still get my money out of in the long run.

#6: Food as Presents/Souvenirs

I don't know how this rates on the frugal list, but I wanted to throw this idea out there for other parents. Jason and I had non-refundable reservations for our annual night away from the kids earlier this month. Even though Jason was really sick we still went. We had already been blessed with a Christmas present gift certificate to a winery in the Ohio Amish area we were visiting that day, so we got to restock our wine selections. (Thank you Aunt Donna!) Since it was Epiphany weekend we decided to stash the presents we had already purchased to give the kids for Epiphany and save them for birthdays/other events. Rather than bring home even more toys as souvenirs we came home with the flavored Amish cheese they love (chocolate, peanut butter, sherbert, and mint.) The kids were so excited and we weren't bringing anymore toys into the house after they had been extra blessed at Christmas time. I was actually surprised because NONE of the kids asked for their Epiphany toys/presents. (I had been internally preparing myself for the question.) Jason and I have both started requesting food presents for our birthdays over the past few years. Date nights via restaurant gift cards and unexpected sweets are always greatly appreciated!:)

Feel free to leave a comment about what different ways you have been saving money this month! It's always great to hear from you!

If you want more frugal inspirations (with way more beautiful pictures than mine) please visit the following blogs that I regularly get inspiration from:

A Cultivated Nest

Frugal Luxuries

Fake-it Frugal

Wishing you the satisfaction of a penny saved being a penny earned, from the Sweetness of our home to yours-May you stay warm this winter!

Always,

Stephanie

Hoarding vs Emergency Prepping vs A Prepared Life

At the end of last month I was talking to a friend about some of the emergency preparations that my husband and I are completing.  I'm not going to go into all the reasons why I believe one should be prepping as much as possible for even harder economical times ahead.  Even if I didn't think there were signs I believe in living a prepared life.  By living a prepared life I am referring that one should try to prepare as much as possible for life's emergencies.  For instance, as an adult you should have a will in place, even if you are not married, that state's what your wishes are regarding your assets (or your most valuable items so that your family doesn't fight over them.  Sometimes people fight over the silliest of objects when grieving.)  You should have a medical power of attorney stating what your end of life preferences are (hopefully "Choose Life" vs accidentally signing a "Do Not Resuscitate" order as I did while in the middle of pushing my Jessie out of my body.  THANK YOU GOD THAT I DIDN'T DIE THAT DAY!)  You should plan for life's normal emergencies ahead of time.....for instance, if you live in a hurricane area you should already have the basic hurricane/tropical storm items on hand: candles/batteries in case of power outages, a water supply, etc,. etc.

We live in an area that has frequent power outages during/after strong storms due to the number of downed tree branches that fall.  When we first moved into our home four years ago we lucked out that we only lost power for a day, but our other neighbors were without power for a week....Last fall a nearby town had a major water line break: no water for three days.  People in that town were checking into hotels.  Last March our well pump broke which became a minor emergency in our household.  I made the mistake of thinking it was going to be an easier fix than what it was.  Instead of going straight to paper plates/napkins/plastic silverware I waited two full days before realizing, "uh oh...this is major."  Thus, even though we had stored water, I had to waste quite a bit to wash the dishes that the seven of us had used for six meals...big mess, big waste.  Now thankfully Jason was able to refill our big blue water containers, but in a real emergency he might not have been able to do so and I would have been boiling creek water for those dishes.

My friend though brought up an interesting question though about some perceiving "prepping" as "hoarding," which has really made me think for the past ten days.  I'm still not sure exactly how to explain the difference. I am sure that there are those providentialists who would argue that any and all prepping is hoarding...but then how does one explain  how God used Noah or Joseph in Egypt?  I believe that God uses normal people living extraordinarily ordinary everyday lives to help those around them....for instance, everyone thought I was insane for keeping my first husband Chris' car after he died.  It was a 1998 Dodge Stratus.  It had no collector's value whatsoever....I just had an emotional attachment because he bought it a month before we decided to move up our wedding date.  Chris only took out a three year loan and he never went back to the bank to refinance once we got married.  That car payment was a huge monthly expense that we frugally lived around.  As soon as Chris realized that I was pregnant with our second child we decided that it would be prudent to go ahead and invest in our mini-van, thus taking on overlapping car payments for a short while...again, we just frugally lived around it especially since we gave my mom my old car to use since it was paid off.  Anyways because I kept the car I was able to loan it to my sister and brother-in-law (plus another  friend as well) to use briefly when their vehicle needed to be fixed.  Then Jason ended up driving it after his truck was totaled when someone broadsided him by running a red light.  (We were engaged-not married-at the time and it took him a few days to be okay about driving the car.)  We kept it even after we had to invest in a truck with four wheel drive after we moved to country.  Jason would still drive the car to help save on gas money, but then there came a time when we needed money to help pay off some unexpected  bills and we found out that there was a family in need of an affordable (read: cheap) car.  By this time the car was about ten years old.  I was the one that brought it up to Jason about selling it.  I asked Joey if he would be okay with me selling his dad's car and he looked at me as if I was the crazy one....because to him I was-he didn't have any emotional ties whatsoever to that car-it was all me.  At that moment, I was finally able to let go of the car-and I have to admit that it did help to know that I was helping a family in need plus helping my own family in need.  If push had come to shove and I hadn't been able to afford the car prior to that moment than I would like to think I would have been able to let the car go sooner...but for me that moment was "right on time."

There have been other times when I would say that I have been in the "right place at the right time" to help someone else in need....someone in need of a dehumidifier that I happened to still have from our old house...extra cash on hand while travelling that we were able to give a family whose vehicle was broken down so they could get some food for their children and help with their vehicle.  (Again, if I didn't believe in travelling prepared we wouldn't have been able to help them in that way quite as easily.)  Donations to fundraising garage sales, etc., etc.  Now some would say I was "hoarding" the car or the dehumidifier or the cash....but I was able to help those in need at that particular moment....I am sure that God could and would have provided for those people without me, but I was able to give and hopefully grow in holiness by doing so.  As we try to prepare for coming economic hard times we are keeping in mind that we may need to help others in need...if we don't prepare ahead though we will not be able to take care of the children God has given us to feed and clothe...nor will we be able to help any others...so we prepare and pray....

I was raised by parents whose parents had survived the great depression.  We always had a pantry and candles and matches-even when my mom was a single mom.....live a prepared life....my husband was in the military, so we had wills and life insurance policies at the age of twenty-two (MORE IMPORTANTLY: BE PREPARED TO MEET GOD IN CASE YOU DIE TODAY RATHER THAN TOMORROW).....live a prepared life....everyone gets colds and the flu in the winter.....live a prepared life (medicine, buckets, fluids)....power outages happen.....live a prepared life....what are your particular possible NORMAL emergencies (tornados, fire, hurricanes, snow storms, water main breaks, no heat).....live a prepared life.  Teach your children by example to live a prepared life.

Give where you can when you can while you can because you never know when you will be the person in need or the person on bedrest or the person unemployed....a few years ago my father donated a ton of things to his local library when he was opening a business that closed within the first year-the librarian even suggested that he keep the items (probably thinking the same thing I was that he could sell them on Amazon), but instead he gave them away and I remember his joy...he received great joy in thinking of all the people that would read the books and watch the movies.  He gave even when he was in financial need.

There is peace too in living a prepared life.  Having already lost a spouse I have felt great peace in knowing that the legal documents are in place whenever I have had a surgery....I know that both Jason and I felt "peace" even as we were stressed during the well pump break-what comfort there was in those huge containers of water to drink, cook and wash our hands with....what comfort our four year old received a week ago when Jason was able to light a candle in the middle of the night when we lost power briefly for some unknown reason......

Wishing all of you the comfort and sweet peace that comes with living a prepared life,

Always,

Stephanie

Surgery and Bedrest

I am sorry for my absence this summer from blogging.  Life has been busy and complicated.  I took "a page" from Tracey McBride of Frugal Luxuries fame (book and blog) and didn't worry about my blog.  Right after publishing her book one of Tracey's parents got sick and eventually died.  She was being pressured to do talk show interviews and appear on programs showing frugal crafts, etc....  She refused them all to take care of her family.  She even took the last eight months off from blogging again when her husband was laid off from work...  Anyways, I've been trying to keep all my commitments in the correct priority order therefore this blog comes last.

I am once again on bedrest.  When I was approximately eight weeks pregnant with Libby (our youngest) I experienced an "impacted uterus" for four days (aka, my uterus collapsed onto my bladder and blocked my body from being able to release urine.)  I had a catheter put in and then it fell out on its own.  Instead of heading back to the emergency room right away to have it reinserted my doctor recommended waiting to see if I could pass urine and thankfully I could at that point.  (Sometimes it takes weeks before the uterus filled with the weight of the baby lifts off the bladder.)  Upon receiving a correct diagnosis Jason and I realized that I had also suffered from an "impacted uterus" for about three weeks when I was pregnant with Katie two and a half years earlier, but it had never been correctly diagnosed because I could pass a little urine or bowel movement here or there.  (No one ever performed an ultrasound in order to get a correct diagnosis at that time.)

In July 2011-six weeks after Libby was born-I drove an hour away to participate in a novena of thanksgiving to the Infant Child Jesus of Prague for blessings we had received as a family (namely-the birth of our gorgeous baby girl-read previous blog post here.)  At the end of the church service-at the very moment when the priest held up the Eucharist and the entire church was on their knees praying to God-my uterus collapsed-while I was holding Libby.  At the time I did not know what actually happened-I just knew that I was in the most pain I had ever felt outside of childbirth....I was hot and nauseated and felt like I had to use the restroom, but could barely walk to get to the restroom.  When I did manage to get to the restroom nothing came out.  I managed to make it to my vehicle to call Jason while sobbing because I didn't know what was wrong.  (Now realize I have had five vaginal non-medicated natural births-I can handle pain-my longest labor was 26 hours with 14 of those hours being stuck in "cervical transition-the most painful part of labor" because the baby was stuck and not fully engaging the cervix.  This uterus collapse felt as painful as that intensely painful childbirth except I had the intense fear because I didn't know what was wrong and I was alone with a baby.)  Jason immediately went into "rescue mode"-he found a neighbor who volunteered to take our other four kids plus our niece who was visiting-so that he could drive to get me.  I was bad though and in effort to take my mind off my pain started driving home.  (Don't do that!!!  Wait for help!!!)  The really funny thing in hindsight is that I later realized that I was actually parked in the parking lot for the local hospital located near the church....I could have just walked hobbled while carrying the baby to the emergency room.  After dropping off the kids Jason called me to talk to me while we were both driving so that he would know if I got in an accident, etc., etc.  He repeated something that our neighbor said-and since I had been praying to God asking what was wrong with me-I suddenly realized that my uterus had collapsed once again....I ended up parking my car in Steubenville and Jason drove me home until I could see my doctor the next day.  (I refused to rack up thousands of dollars in medical bills only to be told to "see my ob-gyn" like I had been told the two previous times I had gone to the e.r. for this condition.)  I had a few pain pills left from when Libby was born so I just took those until I could see my doctor....he confirmed my self-diagnosis and then gave me more prescriptions for pain meds and bladder infections while I decided what course of action I wanted to take for my condition.

So-the normal procedure for a collapsed uterus is a hysterectomy.  Thankfully I did not "have to" have one right away because my uterus didn't collapse through my cervix into my vagina-it instead was painfully flipping and flopping back and forth between my bladder and my bowels-meaning sometimes I couldn't urinate-sometimes I couldn't have a bowel movement-often there was pain during intimate moments....but I wasn't forced into a traumatic surgery that I was vehemently against.  I had time to think and pray and pursue non-traditional methods in an effort to preserve my fertility and the very organ that helps to regulate my hormonal levels-those things that help to make me a woman.  Most women if they are not going to have either a full hysterectomy (where they take both the uterus and ovaries and fallopian tubes) or a partial hysterectomy (where they take the uterus and fallopian tubes, but leave the ovaries) end up trying to use a pessary insertion.  Thankfully my local ob greatly discouraged even trying this route since he said that in his experience pessary insertions were messy, ended up causing more infections than they prevented and basically don't work in a condition as bad as my uterus was.  I started researching different options and came across this amazing doctor , Dr. Toaff, located in the Philadelphia area.  He was willing to immediately complete a pelvic floor lift surgery on me....the problem: I cold not lift anything for two months (including the two month old baby), then lift nothing over 10 lbs for another four months (this means again: no lifting the baby) and then after six months never lifting anything over 20 lbs....(like my toddler size children-or any of the numerous boxes that we process at our UPS Store)....so my wise husband lovingly nixed this wonderful idea slowly over the course of a few months as a viable option for us to pursue.

God led me via "a friend of a friend/local acquaintance" to UPMC Women's Rehabilitation Center.  So within a month I was driving back and forth to have internal physical therapy, which greatly helped to control my pain plus gave me some greatly needed emotional support regarding my nearly constant pain.  Another friend recommended trying acupuncture, which had previously helped to reverse her prolapsed uterus.  In January I began to experience my ribs dislocating (usually during the middle of the night after I would fall asleep) from the tension of my pelvic ligaments trying to hold up my now completely collapsing pelvic floor.  Now my weekly chiropractic appointments that helped to prevent migraines were increased to two to three times a week to pop anywhere from two to eight ribs at a time back into place.  By the middle of February I was a wreck-I was physically ready for a hysterectomy-but not emotionally.  Jason and I went away for Valentine's weekend and I was unexpectedly able to be anointed on the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes.  When I next saw my physical therapist she was excited about how much healing had taken place inside my pelvic area (and believe me it wasn't because I had actually been doing my exercises faithfully-it was from the anointing I had received.)  By the first week of March though I was away from my house and kids thirteen to twenty hours a week.....if I missed one appointment with either the physical therapist, acupuncturist or chiropractor then I was driven to my knees vomiting in pain (even taking pain pills).  I was also building up a tolerance to pain pills-not an addiction that I wanted to develop just to keep my uterus....by April I could finally say "yes" to the hysterectomy...it wasn't a matter of "if" I should have one....it was just a matter of "when".....I could now emotionally stand in front of God and say, "I did everything I could to preserve my uterus/hormones/fertility."  I also knew that I should try to schedule my surgery when it was most convenient for my family-not because it became an emergency due to a further collapsing of my pelvic floor.  I was also at the point where I wanted to be able to take care of the five miracles God had already blessed me with-I wanted those hours of my week back with my children.  Jason and I had already come to terms with the fact that we were not going to have any more children naturally-even if God had blessed me with a miraculously healed pelvic floor we weren't gong to take the chance of another bedrest situation that I may never recover from.

The search was on for a local surgeon that was qualified to do the extensive surgery I needed....we prayed and God protected us-we kept having surgeons turn down my case-until via a casual acquaintance who overheard an unexpected conversation (you know the kind of conversation where you are wondering "why am I talking about this personal stuff to this particular person?") led us to Dr. John Wright and Dr. Cathy Saunders and Heritage Valley Health System in Beaver, PA.  By the time everything was in place in July we had to make a decision-we had a choice: surgery immediately in August or not until January since the recovery time would be so extensive.  (Remember: I need to work Christmas time at the store.)  Jason pushed for the immediate surgery in August even as I half-heartedly objected due to the fact that our two oldest were playing travel soccer and we had the beginning of the homeschool year.  Jason won and God provided the childcare/cleared the calendar for the first ten days, followed by an amazing, dear friend volunteering to come and stay for the next ten days.  (Her family even had enough frequent flier miles that the ticket was free.)

While meeting with Dr. Wright we had a short debate on whether we should actually keep the uterus.  He said that he was amazed by how much it "had lifted" from my physical therapy and acupuncture treatments.  We finally decided that it wasn't worth "taping it into place" and taking the risk of an unexpected pregnancy that would destroy all the other repair work that had to be done and from which I might never recover from. At this point both my bladder and bowels were also collapsing.  The vagina is the next thing to start collapsing and I really didn't want to start having a Josephite marriage.  I also had fibroids forming once again in my uterus.  My August surgery date rapidly approached and I once again battled my fears of anesthesia (that risk that I may never wake up).  I was once again prayed and anointed over by two wonderful priests, received the eucharist and made my confession, and made a last visit to a dying friend that died one week after my surgery, kissed all the babes goodnight and then woke up at 3:30 am to make it to the hospital by 5:30 am.

During my surgery they removed my uterus/sent the fibroids off for testing and also found endometriosis (no surprise there since that's a reoccurring condition I have already been diagnosed with.)  In the five weeks since my last pelvic exam and the surgery though my left ovary had also collapsed and was entangled/rolled up in my uterus.  The uterus had rolled into a ball so tight that they could barely see it.  (I hadn't had any acupuncture treatments since June/internal physical therapy since April.)  The doctors managed to untangle the ovary from the uterus-I guess one could say they were "adhered" together-and tack it back into place.  They inspected the inside of my bladder via a camera and then taped it back into place, though there was some bleeding that occurred.  They then pushed all my bowels back into place and taped it up with mesh as well.  (They were careful to state that they used as little as possible due to my "young age.")  They tacked my vagina to a ligament to help hold it into place.  The second surgery surprise was that they found that my uterus had developed adenomyosis.  This is a sponge-like condition of the uterus (basically endometriosis within the uterine walls.)  Your uterus should be a firm muscle-like your heart.  When andenomyosis occurs the uterus muscle becomes sponge-like and thin and the uterus becomes larger and larger.  Many women experience miscarriages and sometimes even uterus perforation-which can kill both the mother and baby.  Adenomyosis can only be diagnosed via internal examination and had  not been diagnosed in either of my previous surgeries three to five years ago.

The diagnosis of adenomyosis actually has given both Jason and I "final peace" about the surgery.  As Jason says we were faced with numerous awful options, but in the end we made the right and just decision after much prayer and research.  We can now laugh about my actual uterus collapse moment in the Church: I call it my "Job moment."  I was given a trial of suffering in God's house-and only through the grace of God-and many prayers from holier people than myself-I have survived.  I am not a saint by any means-and I often feel as any purification I am receiving from my suffering I waste on my complaining and whining of my condition.  (My usual line is that I would still be a great Creighton Model FertilityCare Practitioner without having to experience almost every area NaProTechnology treatment that there is to experience-for instance I shall now be on their post hysterectomy hormonal replacement system.)  I am but a humble servant doing her best to honor God each day, however poorly that offering of the good, the bad and the ugly in my life may be.

Oh-so why the bedrest...well, it's not complete bedrest-it's partial: I can lay down or walk, but need to avoid sitting as much as possible because it makes the blood pool in the pelvic floor-causing recovery time to be longer.  Sitting also puts intense pressure on the pelvic floor....I can actually feel the blood pooling/swelling starting when I have sat too long at meal times or to nurse.  It's God's sense of humor since I complained about not being able to walk for seven months during my last bedrest.  It can take anywhere from 1-3 months to recover-I am trying to be extra good so that I will get the go ahead to start sitting/driving again at the 4-6 week mark post-surgery: easier said than done since I frequently lean over and pick up Libby Lou while walking through the house-that habit dies hard.  At sixteen days post surgery it still hurts in the pelvis area, especially in two spots of stitches-it also still hurts to laugh or cough and there is still some post surgery bleeding...but I can finally go to the bathroom without pain (that took 10 days).  The lack of sitting/time with five kids to take care of is why it took so long to post this note after my surgery.

I have been so blessed by the amazing community of Steubenville: meals, rides for my kids, notes of encouragement and prayers beyond number.....I am humbled and only wish to repay everyone back with my own works of mercy when I recover....for now I offer my simple prayers of thanksgiving and offer up my suffering to whomever needs it most.

This is an especially personal post to write, but I know how the rumor mill works and I wanted to make sure that my story was told in my own words rather than "the telephone word of mouth system."  It also was getting really painful to keep explaining to everyone asking what happened....though I am at peace it doesn't mean that I want to keep talking about the surgery over and over again since it is rather complicated.  I also hope that this post helps others who may be experiencing a weak pelvic floor.  As Dr. Wright explained some women naturally have strong pelvic floors that snap back into place even after they've had nine kids-you can't even tell that they've had one, but some women are like me and their pelvic floor is weak and collapsing before they even had one child (for instance I have always been diagnosed with a retro flexed uterus, but was told not to worry about it.  Basically my uterus was tilted back instead of standing straight up and down and it was folded over like a curled up pillow-I was told this at my first pelvic exam as a teenager.)  As I ponder this "weak pelvic floor diagnosis" I realize more and more every day how much of a miracle each of my five wonderful children are.....and for any of my friends who may be keeping it a secret that they are pregnant because they don't want to hurt me-it's okay-I will rejoice with you....I have had fourteen months to "grieve" the loss of future natural children....God  has another plan for my life-I may shed a tear here or there-I mean I do still have my ovaries/some hormones!-but I will rejoice for those upcoming baby blessings....I am also a Creighton Model teacher-baby announcements are a part of my job!:)

May all of you experience the sweetness of the gift of healing from God (in whatever area you need it in),

Stephanie

A Memorial Post for Lt. Christopher T. Starkweather

Ten years ago today the world lost a special soul, my husband, U.S. Navy Lt. Christopher T. Starkweather.

(Chris with our cat Desi, short for Desiree)

Chris died when two T-39 Sabreliners collided during a training exercise over the Gulf of Mexico about 40 miles south of Pensacola, FL.  Six other crew members died with him. There were two Raytheon pilots: retired Marine Corps Lt. Col. Homer "Gray" Hutchinson III, age 57; and retired Navy Lt. Cmdr. Marshall F. "Fritz" Herr Sr., age 59. (Both had grown children and I know that Fritz now has grandchildren that were born after he died.)  The other victims included two instructors, Navy Lt. Cmdr. William R. Muscha, age 36; and Royal Saudi Air Force Maj. Ambarak S. Al-Ghamdi, age 32, who between them left behind 11 children.  The remaining crew members were students: Navy Ensign James T. Logan, age 26 (who was an identical twin); and Marine 2nd Lt. John N. Wilt, age 23.

"I do not know now, nor do I ever expect to answer or understand why this happened," said retired Navy Capt. Charles Tinker in his eulogy. "I fear it will remain a tragic mystery."

The planes landed at the bottom of the ocean, over 210 feet deep.  The navy did decide to try to salvage the planes.  The only human remains that were found belonged to James Logan, which helped to give his twin brother some closure.

I don't remember much from any of the 3 memorial services that were held for Chris outside of people later criticizing me because I didn't really cry at any of them.  I just remember feeling like I couldn't wake up from a bad dream.  I did cry later though, mostly in my shower because it broke my heart even more when my two year old son brought me a baby blanket to dry my tears with one day.

How would I describe Chris to someone who never had the pleasure of meeting him?  How do I describe him to the two children that don't have any memories of him?  (Joey was 23 months and Jessie was 6 months old when he died.)  I see mountains.....I see him skiing down the mountains with his family, laughing with them and spraying each other with snow when they fell.

(Chris' little brother, Jacob, and younger sister, Mary, skiing ahead of me down the mountain.)

Chris running.....he ran ALL.THE.TIME.  Even while in flight school to become a Naval Flight Officer, ( a navigator like the character Goose in the movie Top Gun) he ran ALL.THE.TIME.  I was beginning to hate running around the time he died.  I was a jealous wife and running was "the other woman" in our marriage.  I felt that we had so little time together as a family and it took him away from us, but he had to run.  It was as essential to his happiness as breathing.  Also, what do you buy someone whose only "hobbies" were flying (the navy paid for that) and running (gift cards for shoes each birthday?)  The man made gift giving kind of hard, especially since he was so frugal!  (Chris would order a whopper without cheese and put the cheese on at home rather than pay the extra money for the cheese-he was a very frugal man.)

(Chris before running in his first and only marathon in Lincoln, NE.  That's him crossing the finish line.
Final time was 3:18:02.)

Chris was Catholic, in every sense of the word.  He couldn't articulate his faith very well, but he lived it, he breathed it.  He was a St. Francis in that he walked the walk and only when necessary used words.  In the infamous "conversion story" post that I haven't published yet I will explain how he loved me into the Church. So many people asked me after he died if I was going to stop being Catholic after two years now that Chris was dead.  I guess they all assumed he pressured me.  Out of the seven years we were together before I converted (three years of dating in high school, two years engaged and the first two years we were married) he only asked me five times if I would convert.  The last three of those five times were during the last four months of the RCIA class before I entered the Church on April 23rd, 2000.  I didn't become Catholic to make Chris happy.  I became Catholic because I wanted that faith for myself, but Chris' patience, love and prayers helped to bring me into the Church.  His example of always attending Mass during college, while on vacation and as much as possible when deployed on the Navy carrier also went a long ways.  He also wouldn't compromise by attending any Protestant service whatsoever outside of my baptism.  If I wanted to attend church with my husband I had to go to the Catholic Church service.  I was free to go by myself to a different service, but he wouldn't attend with me.  I think I went twice without him and decided I was wasting precious time that I could be spending with him when time was so limited to be together.

(The two of us on Easter Vigil 2000.  I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with Joey.)

FAMILY.  Chris was all about his FAMILY.

Thankfully God changed our "five year plan", because Chris died four and a half years into our marriage.  God opened our hearts to being open to having babies sooner than either of us "had planned."  First we conceived Joey-both of us were surprised.  We had just started to learn the Creighton Model FertilityCare System of Natural Family Planning, but I was coming off the birth control pill.  We had been told to expect it to take several months before we could possibly conceive a baby.  With God's sense of humor we actually became pregnant in the two weeks that I stopped taking the birth control pill prior to starting Creighton classes.  Chris tried laughing it off when I told him we were pregnant.  I threw the box at him with the "info sheet" about how accurate the tests were.  He read the info sheet quietly and then a few minutes later informed me that he was going to go rest.  (It was still light out-I think it was like 6pm at night.)  Chris didn't get up until the next morning and was cheerfully resolute.  From that moment on he was already a "dad"-he got on me about caffeine, began coming home from work with parenting advice from everyone stationed at the STRATCOM intelligence offices in Nebraska, etc., etc....

(Chris holding Joey after being awake for over 22 hours.)

(Joey this past Christmas-age 11 1/2)

Chris was a devoted son.  He loved his parents and called home several times a week.

(Chris' parents, Larry and Sherry, holding their grandson and godson, Joey.)

Chris was a devoted big brother.  Anyone who was in our high school drama and speech class remembers the hilarious speech he gave about each time his parents announced there was another baby on the way.  He took his job as the big brother seriously and is probably giving their guardian angels pointers in heaven.

(From Left side, starting in back: me-Stephanie, Chris holding Joey, Laura, and James.
Front row: Jacob, niece Reagan and Mary.)

Here's Chris before going out on a "date" with his sister Mary to see a musical.

Chris was also devoted to his grandparents, aunts and uncles.  We've moved things around so many times in this house and so many things are still boxed up that I could only find one photo album (Joey's baby album), so I couldn't find any of the pictures with his aunts and uncles.  Here is Chris with his PapPap and Nanny.  But he was also devoted to his Grandma Jean.  In fact when we lived in Pensacola at the time of his death our house was just 2 blocks away from the house his Grandma Jean and Aunt Linda shared.  (Thus preparing me for having my new mother-in-law live right across the road from me ten years later.)

(Me-Stephanie, Chris holding Joey, Nanny and PapPap.)

Chris was an uncle.  Here he is with his niece Reagan.  Funny story: after we got married and I moved into the military "hotel room" he lived in at Virginia Beach for intelligence officer training school all the cleaning staff wanted to know where "our baby" was because he had pictures of Reagan hanging in his room.  (For those confused Chris was first an intelligence officer and was transitioning to become a naval flight officer when he died.)  Even in college Chris always had pictures of his family (and me) hanging on his dorm room mirrors, so I didn't think it was unusual, but the cleaning staff informed me that most men only have pictures of their kids taped up-not their nieces.

(Chris helping Reagan hold Joey.)

Friends....Chris was a really devoted friend.  This is a picture of his best friend since kindergarten, Christopher Kaufmann, otherwise known as "CK" in the Starkweather household, and his wife Jackie.  Rather than wasting time watching tv or a movie if Chris had spare time he would usually bake brownies and call a friend to see how they were doing....CK, Dionne, Branden, Michelle, Nathan, Jon Watson, his high school cross country coach, etc.  He would always try to make plans to see one or two of them when we went home to Wisconsin.  He was loyal in every sense of the word.  Maybe that's why I've been so blessed to have so many of them stay in contact with us over the last ten years.  I know that it wasn't easy for any of them especially when I started dating again.

(Joey sitting on Jackie Kaufmann's lap with Christopher Kauffmann)

I'm actually quite frustrated that I can't post a picture of Chris holding his daughter Jessie.  (I've been in tears for over two hours now about it.)  Until I find the box Jess just know that your daddy loved you.

(Jessie age 10)

That smile you see of him holding Joey is exactly how he smiled when he held you.  In fact he had a dream of a baby girl about two weeks before your big brother Joey was born.  Whatever he saw in that dream convinced him that we were going to have a baby girl.  He was quite surprised when they said that Joey was a boy.  Your daddy also wanted the name "Jessica."  I wouldn't even allow it on the list as possible girl names for Joey.  But then one day I was tired while pregnant with you....Joey was napping and I didn't feel up to doing housework, so I got on the computer via dial-up and looked up if Jessica was a saint name....low and behold, it was a derivative of St. Joanna, one of the women who found the empty tomb of Jesus on Easter.....and from that moment on you were either going to be a Jessica or a Nicholas....You are the baby girl your daddy dreamed of....you have even fallen asleep many a night reading your daddy's old Calvin and Hobbes books for years now.

(Chris loved Calvin and Hobbes-he even had a Calvin tattoo that he planned on having joined by a Hobbes tattoo on his next naval deployment.  Calvin was holding an American flag on the tattoo.)

I don't know how it can be ten years since Chris died.  It seems like yesterday....yet it seems like forever.  How do I celebrate this day?  Two years ago I was planning on taking all the kids back to Pensacola and asking the training squadron for a tour, etc., etc...Even just a month ago Jason was asking me if I wanted to go to D.C. where Chris' memorial stone is in Arlington Cemetary.  Since we will be going to D.C. to visit family in June I decided to wait and do it then.  Instead I plan on honoring him the same way I always have on this anniversary date: just doing my duty....

(Joey and Jessie when I first started grad school eight years ago.)

We're starting the day with a memorial mass being said for him, then we'll have breakfast, maybe get some school work done before heading back into town for the Tuesday afternoon kid activities.  We'll finish the day though with a meal of some of Chris' favorite dishes: sweet potatoe souffle and a chicken casserole, maybe brownies if I can get them made in time...if not, we can have that later in the week.  We'll put out Chris' picture on the dining room table and light a candle just like we do for his birthday in September.  I'm sure that I will cry at some point since I have been crying off and on for the past few months anticipating this date......but really I think that I honor Chris most by just doing my duty: raising my kids to the best of my ability.  I have made so many mistakes over the past ten years, so many things that I would like a "redo" on....but in the end I hope that even if I were to die tomorrow my kids would know the things that matter most: God, family and country.

(Joey and Jessie on September 6th, 2011-Chris' birthday.)

Several people "accidentally" used the two edged sword saying, "The good die young" after Chris died.....While I understood it, especially after reading the book of memorial letters people sent me after he died-one could probably seriously begin a cause for canonization, especially with some of the events that took place afterwards-it hurt....what does that mean about me???  (Am I chopped liver?)  Why was Chris taken instead of me, especially because I have felt many times he would have handled single parenthood way better than me??....I begged God to reverse events....to bring Chris back to life and take me to heaven to no avail....so instead "I sucked it up"...some days living in just 15 minute increments....and that was really the biggest miracle of my life....I survived what I didn't think I could survive.  Eventually I could breathe again without it hurting....eventually I was happy without "faking it" for my kids.....eventually I was blessed to find Jason, a man who has always honored Chris in our home....I have been blessed to maintain loving relations with Chris' family.....I have three more children that I can't imagine not having loved....but I still love Chris...I will always love Chris and I still miss him....while I can't "see his face" anymore without looking at a picture, I am blessed to still have moments when I feel him with me.  I was afraid of leaving Pensacola, especially because I could still "feel" him there in our house....but God has blessed my move to Ohio in so many ways-and has included that still being able "to feel Chris" when I have needed it.  Joey and Jessie smell like him when they sweat, and I'm right back there to seeing Chris all smelly and sweaty after running.  At times I hear the kids laugh and I see him belly laughing at something I said.  At times I pray and one of "our" songs by Journey comes on the radio....I pray that I finish the race well, that I hold true to the faith and that when I die I will be found worthy of entering eternal life and being greeted by Chris....that I don't do anything stupid to lose my salvation at the last minute....

(Our family currently: Jason, me-Stephanie, Kids in order of ages: Joey, Jessie, Katie, Christianna (known as "Anna" pronounced "AHNA"-she's the child hanging upside down) and Elizabeth Grace (known as "Libby.")  For the record, Jason picked the name Christianna-one she was conceived around Christmas and two, it's a "family" name.....he's that kind of man....not many men have that sense of duty and honor.

One of the few country music cd's that Chris would let me listen to when he was around was by Collin Raye.    It was only recently that I could actually listen to the one song, "If You Get There Before I Do."  The lyrics of that song's chorus are kind of my motto in life:

If you get there before I do 
Don't give up on me 
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then ‘til I see you again
I'll be loving you, love me

May the soul of Lt. Christopher Todd Starkweather and all our military departed rest in peace.

Some of the words to "Eternal Father, Strong to Save"

(US Naval Hymn)

Eternal Father, strong to save
Whose arm hath bound the restless wave,
Who bidd'st the mighty ocean deep
Its own appointed limits keep;
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee,
For those in peril on the sea!

Lord, guard and guide the men who fly,
Through the great spaces in the sky.
Be with them always in the air,
In darkening storms or sunlight fair.
Oh, hear us when we lift our prayer,
For those in peril in the air!

God, who dost still the restless foam
Protect the ones we love at home.
Provide that they should always be
By thine own grace both safe and free.
Oh Father, hear us when we pray
For those we love so far away.

(Chris with Joey about eight months before he died.  Sorry about the camera flash.  I was being lazy and didn't want to take the time to scan the picture.  It's late and I have to leave for mass in five hours.)