A New Way to Support Us Plus: My Year of Silence

I have started several blog posts since May, but none of them seemed right to post.

Katie, Anna and Libby at Christmas

Jessie and Joey this past Christmas

Some great news for the new year:  We have a new website for our store where you can order any promotional products you may need for work, non-profit organizations, etc., and it will be delivered straight to your door!  This is great way that you can help support our family right from your own laptop!  There are thousands of products available: magnets, notepads, shirts, water bottles, etc....Almost anything you would want to put a logo on is there!

http://theupsstore6036.espwebsite.com

My silence was not intentional, but just happened by default since I was trying NOT to broadcast all the traveling that I completed this past summer.  (Trying to protect my store and house and family from anyone that may decide to try to steal from us.)  I was gone for six weeks between May and September, completing UPS Store corporate required training as well as making sure that the kids saw our family in Wisconsin.  My last trip ended up being a personal one where I went away for five days without my children and visited a friend.  I actually had one day during that trip where I just stayed in bed: no television, no writing, no reading, with very limited cell phone interaction between the store and my kids.  Just rest-which never happens unless I get so sick that I can't get out of bed.  I finished the day by attending Mass at one of my favorite churches and getting my rosary prayed plus confession.  The "rest day" happened because my friend looked at me at breakfast and said, "You are asleep with your eyes open.  We are NOT going to the beach.  You are going back to bed."  That trip must have been what my soul needed since so many people have told me over the last few months that I look happier and at peace.  I think I really did need to "get out of Dodge" and it NOT be work or driving twelve hours one way to see my family that I desperately love....but to just try to be with a friend and not worry about everything that I worry about.  I sat on the beach and watched the waves roll in and went to church twice plus I met a bunch of "new friends" who were friends of my friend for dinner three times.

Unfortunately I was not able to go away for Christmas to really visit my family due to an unexpected work crisis.  We were able to work out meeting half way for the kids to still get to go visit some of our family, but I spent forty hours of driving in six days to make that happen.  I'm not complaining....I am the one still living in Steubenville instead of closer to our extended family....and family is one of the most important part of our lives so I drive to keep those family bonds strong.  It's just our reality for now....and I pray my kids remember these trips if they grow up and move far away-that they make it a priority to make those family visits happen.....that maybe someday they will realize, "Wow.  I can't believe my mom drank 5 hour energy drinks and drove 12 hours through the night to get us to Wisconsin (or 18 hours to get to Iowa or Kansas City)......Thank you Mom.  I'm driving to come see you."  (See, one can dream.)

But my writing silence is also because I am trying very hard to complete my annulment paperwork......and IT. IS. HARD.  I remember in my past when I found out that other Catholics had left the Church and gotten remarried in Protestant churches that I would think, "How hard can it really be?  Just do the paperwork already and get married 'right'!"......Yeah.....mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.  I understand and I will NEVER ever judge someone again if they walk away from the church over this process.....Because this annulment process SUCKS!!!  It is painful and hard and 85 FREAKING short answer questions that have to be answered plus a final essay/argument for why your marriage should be annulled.  I have had my final essay written for five months now, but the 85 FREAKING QUESTIONS are standing in my way.  If I try to complete the paperwork after the kids get to sleep then I can't fall asleep at night and I am not my best at work the next day.  My weekends are the only time I can just focus on my kids so I don't want to hire a sitter or lock myself in my bedroom to answer questions during that time.  So that leaves me either getting up early (which still sucks for not being tired at work) OR actually paying extra payroll to leave work during the day....and that hasn't happened.  On days I plan to leave God seems to send extra business our way, or some other work mini-crisis happens and I don't get any "personal stuff" complete that day.  Most of the time I read a question and just want to type, "See the final essay" OR "See the 1600 pages of evidence that the prosecutor has."  Anything, but ripping off the "bandaid healing" that has already taken place on my heart and soul.  I know that many people seem to find the annulment process healing, but I am one of those people who find it incredibly painful and hard.....and while it is something that I need to do morally for myself long term wise, it is a new suffering that I wasn't expecting in my life.  I meant to have it completed by Labor Day, but obviously that has come and gone by another five months.  The final document-ON JUST MY PART-will be larger than the final divorce papers that included our personal life, our store, rental duplex, farm, etc.  That doesn't include Jason's response that we will have to wait for OR the research completed by the Church tribunal.  And the fact that I have to wait for Jason to respond to the same 85 questions while living the schedule he has in the state prison does not give me much hope for a speedy annulment.

I also completed a state tax audit, which I knew would be coming.  I am just thankful that it didn't get started in 2015 while I was trying desperately to get through the legal process of Jason's trial and obtaining a loan to help save the store.  I once read a quote from a saint whose name I don't remember right now that said, "If you have too much to do with God's help you will get it done."  I have been trying to cling to that mantra.

It's hard to answer when people ask me how things are going.  My response from May when I told people, "It is still going to be very 'tight' financially for another year or two" seems to be ringing true.  The store is "out of surgery, but in intensive care" right now.  We are still susceptible to bad shipping weeks (or months in this case due to the past election.)  We are praying that each week we get the money to pay the basic bills (UPS shipping bill, payroll, rent, utilities, etc).  It will still be several months to finish paying off past due vendor debt that I got stuck with.  Then hopefully we can start applying half of those debt payments to the back taxes and I can begin taking a paycheck to start getting caught up on personal bills so that we can refinance by next fall which will help cut our debt payments in half again.  I also need to start paying back the several people who gave us emergency loans over the past two years.

The start of each school year creates different crisis whenever you have kids.  Then all the stress has added health issues to several of us in the family so we just keep plugging away at focusing on whichever emotional or physical crisis is at hand.  A few family members have also understandably been fighting depression as well.  My prayer in the end is that my children end up healthy, happy and still living their Catholic faith.

At the time of Jason's arrest I was enrolled in the second semester of a national online class focusing on Laura Ingalls Wilder and her writings.  In one of the class discussion boards, people were going on and on wanting to know, "What was Laura 'doing' during her silent years before she published the Little House on the Prairie series?"  The answer is simple:  she was living her life with all the daily duties she had to perform:  she raised a daughter and helped Almanzo run their farm with several hired hands.  She cooked from scratch three meals a day for their family and farm workers on a wood cook stove...no microwave, no running into town to eat at a restaurant....she lived with lanterns and candles for light....she belonged to several organizations in town and did do some writing for farming publications since she was known within her state as an expert in raising laying hens.  She wrote in her journal almost daily and wrote letters to all her loved ones before telephones were invented-and still wrote letters even after the telephone was invented.....Anyways, she was busy living her life and began fiction writing as her "life slowed down" due to Rose growing up and her then old age.

 I say all this so that if I am "silent" on the blog for the next year or so....not posting very much....you know why....I am "living my life."  I just worked six days a week for over two months to get us through the blessed holiday shipping season.  Even during non-peak season I average working approximately 50 hours a week.  I worked approximately 70 hours a week for the past two months.  Then I head off to whichever kid activit(ies) are on the schedule for the night.  Head home, maybe get some chores done and usually get up between 4am-5:30am to repeat that schedule every single day.   There is no "off" when you are a single mother and definitely no "off" when you own your own business.  Everything depends on God's blessings and grace to provide for the family and then showing up for work each and every day.  The annulment process is also taking away from any other personal writing that I want to do.

Just know that all is well.  We did survive 2016, though at times it was really scary financially.
We are looking forward to hopefully a more peaceful 2017.  Praying for continued healing emotionally, physically and financially.  Praying for all of you and your prayer intentions as well.  If I am "silent" writing wise, please know that it is not intentional.  I am just taking care of "the business of life."  Focusing on the five miracles of my life, my children,....and extended family as well.

Thank you for your continued prayer support for my family and I!

Please bookmark this new website in case my store can help provide any promotional products you may need for your business or personal life!  Please also let your family and friends know that there is an easy way to help support a single mom of five kids:

http://theupsstore6036.espwebsite.com

May God bless you and keep you in the palm of His hand now and always!!!

Wishing you the sweetness of truly living your life from our family to yours,

Stephanie

   

Count Your Blessings

Count Your Blessings 2015

Pondering the Miracle of Christmas

I want to start this post by wishing all of you a very blessed Advent, a very Merry Christmas and the best of Happy New Years for 2016.

I sit here trying to write this blog post as my body is trying to pass two kidney stones.  I have now learned my lesson that even if I skip eating because the store is so busy with customers that I still need to make sure I drink water.  People are not being overly dramatic when they say that the pain from a kidney stone is equal to childbirth.  Thank you God for the different chemists who created all the different pain, nausea and relaxation drugs that I have taken over the past two days both orally and via iv at the hospital.  I am so thankful for my staff who covered the store on one of the busiest Saturdays of the year when I was unable to come into work.  One of my best friends dropped everything and spent the last twenty-four hours taking care of me while Debbie helped take care of the littles.  Another single mom sent one of her teenagers to check on me after I had posted a desperate plea trying to find someone to take me to the ER so that I could avoid paying for an ambulance ride.  These are all blessings that I can never repay enough.  A nurse lecturing me to "go home and stop worrying about the store.  It will still be there after you pass these stones.  I love your store."......all blessings I can never repay.  The first kidney stone has passed, but not the second yet.  Pray that it passes in the next day or two so that I can celebrate Christmas with my children and extended family.  I would like to go home for Christmas and not end up stuck in an ER trying to pass a kidney stone.

The next part of this post is what I don't know how to express accurately.  Every time I think we have a financial plan in place to get everything paid off at the store and personally....every time I think that we have emotionally processed everything we need to process I find out I am wrong.  I have been in charge of all our personal bills since March 2014.  I took over the store and the duplex in May 2015, and yet I still just got "found" by creditors this month about unpaid bills (personal and store ones) that I had never received any bills for in the mail.  When I came back to one creditor and asked him what address they had been mailing the bills to he refused to tell me since he had been"working with Jason, not you."  Yet, now of course the unpaid bills have been forwarded for me to pay since I agreed to take on all debt with the divorce......so now I am facing having to file for bankruptcy.....and it is a matter of figuring out which type we are filing for.  I am hoping that we can do a Chapter 11 or Chapter 13 so that we can restructure and save the store.

Several people have asked me, "Why?"  "Why keep the store open?  Why do this to yourself?"

To answer that is a very complicated answer that I can't accurately express to anyone.  I am the reason why there is a UPS Store in Steubenville in the first place.  It was the first franchise that I desperately missed after moving here from Pensacola.  It drove me crazy to have to buy a box at Wal-Mart or the post office and then go out to the parking lot to pack it.  My copies were not usually completed correctly at my one competitor's store.  I love my customers and I believe that the feeling is reciprocated.  I lost track of how many customers told us what a blessing we were to them this week.....how many times I almost cried because they don't know how close we are to having to shut down the store.  I just told them with a smile to come back and see us in February.

My counselor and several friends keep reminding me that there is no shame in filing for bankruptcy or deciding that it is time to put the "For Sale" sign up on the store or even to just close the store up and call it quits.  They remind me that this is not something I did myself, but rather something that was done to me.  That it is just one more way I have been victimized and deceived.  All these things just make me want to fight for it even more.  I have worked so hard and paid off so much debt already.  I put all my employees ahead of myself when it comes to paychecks and taking lunch breaks.  I try to treat my employees the way the Marines work with the whole "officers eat last" mentality.

I love my store.  While I never thought that owning a UPS Store is what I would "grow up and do" for my career, it is a job that I love.  I don't mind getting up each day and going to work.  While some people might see the job as "Different day, same old thing" mentality, I don't.  Every package we ship has a different story attached to it.  Every print job and notary service has its own story.  From shipping a frozen casserole to a niece dying from cancer who requested it as her last meal to people missing their hometown Giannamore's Pizza or Snyder potato chips to a "just because I saw it and thought of you present".....all small things that I get to help be a part of.  Helping people complete the business of their daily life, both at work and personally-all small things that I get to be a part of.  The founder of UPS once said that "the heart of the foundation of UPS is service".....I love to serve others and to be a part of a company that prides itself on giving world class customer service to every person.

I have learned how to complete freight shipments and we have learned how to print blue prints and wide format banners.  Every week I learn more and more about graphic design work, business cards, etc, etc.  Both my employees and myself have stepped up to the plate and haven't turned down a single job.  We have figured out how to get it done so we can stay in business.  We ended the last two weeks of August in the Top 10% of freight services in the country.  We won awards in October and November for being in the top 10% of other services in the network.  Honestly, our store is just starting to hit its stride.  People in Steubenville are still discovering that our tiny store is here and that we offer professional print and business services.  We haven't even reached the potential of what our store can do.  If I can just climb out of this hole my ex created-if I can be given a fighting chance,  know that we will not only stay open, but we will be a model store that others will look to and use as an example.  If anyone is interested in giving a business loan or becoming a partner in our store, please contact me directly.

So, I come here to ask for help......if you can help donate to help me get through the next three to four months.....til we can get through refinancing or filing for bankruptcy (if that is what the accountants and lawyers help me decide is the right plan of action)....if you can help me pay off the heat remodeling job and other past due personal bills since I have still not been paid back by the Ohio Attorney General's office for the thousands of dollars I am suppose to be reimbursed for from counseling that has been received as part of the Ohio Victim's Assistance fund......words cannot express how thankful we would be.  It you can't, I understand.....Please just continue to pray for more miracles because God has given us a miracle every day since May 1st.  Most of all just pray that I will have peace about whatever decision I have to make.  All of these decisions are painful, but something can hurt and you still have the peace from God that this is the right decision for you and your family.  Pray that my pride won't blind me from seeing the path before me as I stand amongst the trees.  Donate here if you can.  If you don't want to use the GoFundMe, then please mail donations to the address at the bottom of this blog post.  If you are new here and don't know what happened, the please read blog posts from May 2015 to the present date.

Earlier this week as I found out about yet more unpaid bills and was trying to figure out how on earth my ex was able to hide all these things from me....how he was able to come home each night at regular times and be there for every event and yet have some alternate life that I knew nothing about, "like what address was all these bills going to?", I wrote the following to one of my best friends:

"I feel like I am drowning. The only time I felt worse was when my kids were gone for those 4 days....I feel as if I am lost at sea and can see the shore but keep getting swept in a rip tide that I can't escape. I keep swimming, but every time I come up to breathe I get hit by a wave and swept back down. The only reason why I am getting up each day is for my kids and because I keep reminding myself that this dark night shall pass just like the darkness did when Chris died.....but this trial is far worse.....far far worse. I always believed that with God I could do anything, but now I don't....why must I be stripped bare when I already had nothing left. I thought I had been through my Calvary before, but now I realize that worse than Calvary is the scourging at the pillar.....my soul is being torn to shreds and just when it begins to heal then it is ripped open again and this time the nails and piercings go deeper. The scourging is far worse because then each day after my soul has been ripped open again I have to carry the cross. This scourging is "my dark night of the soul." The choice to follow Christ, to not give in to immoral ways to make money, to choose honor and integrity and love.....the pain that it takes to become a Saint takes my breath away. As a type A planner I have always had a plan, but now I truly don't know what my day will be.....in what way will I be scourged? So I just try to choose moment by moment what action or choice will lead me to heaven.....so as I am drowning in pain I see God's light through the darkness, the light of heaven and I keep reaching towards it even as my breath fails me."

I thank you for continued prayers for a miracle for myself, my children and our business.  If I don't get another blog post made in the next month, please pray that my ex is offered a plea deal and that we can avoid a trial.  Otherwise his trial is suppose to be the week of January 19th.

Thank you for being like the people in "It's a Wonderful Life" who bring the money to George Bailey-that has been all of you to me and the kids since May 1st.....thank you for reminding me that I am loved by God and by so many unknown people who have left anonymous notes and money......that makes me like the General from "White Christmas" whose troops surprise him and where I try to fall asleep "Counting My Blessings"......

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years from our home to yours!!!

May you feel the sweetness of God's peace with you as you begin the New Year,

Stephanie

Donations can be mailed directly to:

Stephanie LS Rivers

The UPS Store

117 S. Hollywood Blvd Box 114

Steubenville, OH 43952

The Stories That You Just Can't Make Up

So, I have written many blog posts in my mind over the last few months, but just have not had the time to sit down and write any of them.

Life has been crazy and about all I can say for the past few months is this:

We survived and hopefully thrived a little.

This past Saturday though sums up how life has been lately.

I went into town with Libby for both of us to get adjusted by the chiropractor.  Then stopped by the local grocery store for a small shopping run.  Afterwards I went by Joey's married travel soccer coaches' house to drop off our belated Christmas present to them.  Though both their vehicles were at home no one answered the door, so I just figured they were maybe taking a nap with their one year old daughter or something.  I decided to leave the Christmas present in their mini-suv as surprise....Now the soccer coaches live in a what locals call a "holler" around here...a little valley area between hills that locals were crazy enough to build their houses in way back when.....This holler is extra special because you have to drive over a small wooden bridge going across a creek to get to the houses.  Joey's coaches live in the first house on the right IMMEDIATELY AFTER YOU CROSS THE BRIDGE.    I mean immediately....there's the bridge and then there's their driveway.....it's a really tight holler.

Joey's coaches are wonderful people and the only reason he was able to play this fall was because they helped take him to and from practices and away games, so I've been there several times to drop/pick him up....I know that I have to crank the wheel hard when coming out of the driveway to miss the creek bank and end up in their neighbor's driveway so that I can turn around.....somehow that didn't happen this time.....I began slipping down the creek bank.....I slammed the trailblazer into four wheel drive-go forward, go backwards, over and over-but no movement forward-I just keep slipping backwards down towards the creek-and not only that-I am blocking the one way lane to get in and out of the holler....I try calling the wife's cell phone-no answer....go up to the door again to knock-still no answer....I take a deep breath and then call my hubby for help....just as I'm trying to explain to him that I need for him to drive the 20 minutes to come pull me out I look up and see one of the holler neighbors driving down the road towards me wanting to leave the valley....great, just great....still made the mistake of thinking, "Can this get any worse?"

....yes, oh yes, it can......

You see, it was a lovely older gentleman-the kind of gentleman that I would love to sit around and hear his stories, but not end up as "one of his stories."  I could just tell that he was still trying to figure out how I got stuck and why I couldn't get out.....and he couldn't figure out why I hadn't gotten the coaches to pull me out yet....I was trying to explain to him that they didn't answer the phone or door....but he went up and yelled and pounded on the door.  (Now why hadn't I thought of that-oh yeah, because they have a baby!.....)  I then called the husband's cell phone and he answered-but he wasn't home!  He was out hunting!  Just as I was trying to explain to him that the older gentleman wanted them to pull me out with their min-suv the wife coach came to the door....at this point there are four conversations going on: me with the husband on the phone, wife coach to me wondering what I am doing there-older gentleman to wife coach...older gentleman to me....in both cases the older gentleman is barking out orders informing us that he's going to have wife coach pull me out after he goes back home to get a strap.  Wife coach informs him that she's never done that before....he informs her, "That's okay.  I'll teach you what to do after I get back with a strap."  Then I hear him talking to someone else and realize that the older gentleman neighbor whose driveway I was suppose to turn around in has come out to join my humiliation party.

As I am walking towards my truck I see the second gentleman kneeling down by the back end of my truck-which I thought was weird, but thought maybe he's looking to see how stuck I am.  I kindly informed the first gentleman that my husband was already on his way to help pull me out to which he replies, "Oh, you don't want him to see you like this.  Call him back and cancel.  I'll get you out."  Inside I am thinking, "I didn't want any of you seeing me like this."

I begin walking back to my truck and I hear a cat meowing.....I look around and ask, "Is there a cat under my truck?"  To which the second gentleman replies, "I heard a cat meowing too, but didn't see one under your truck-you don't have one inside it?" "No, I don't have one inside it!  I just have a sleeping baby."  I kneel down again with wife coach and sure enough-there is a gray cat under my truck above the gas tank!!!!  We manage to coax the cat out from the truck.  I put it down on the ground and it immediately starts running under the first gentleman's returned truck, so I manage to catch it....no one is claiming it as a holler cat.  Wife coach doesn't want it in either of her vehicles or house because she is allergic to cats.  Neither of the older gentlemen will hold it while we try to get unstuck-though they both tease me about driving twenty minutes into town with a meowing cat under my truck.  I reply that I did no such thing-the cat must have crawled up at either the doctor's office or at the grocery store, which were both less than three minutes apart and about five minutes from the coaches' house.

So, now I'm attempting to be pulled out of the creek with a slim full size skinny strange gray cat running around in my truck because I am afraid it's going to get run over.  Wife coach gets me pulled out with directions from first gentleman....second gentleman unhooks the strap.  I thank everyone profusely, but I still have to "back out" of the holler making a "k turn" with all three of them watching me and a strange cat running around my truck that I am afraid is going to either eat my three pounds of bacon and/or wake up the baby.....and my truck's steering won't work correctly....I am cranking on it, but the wheel won't turn correctly.  Gentleman number one begins yelling out driving directions to me and has to back up his truck because I am making the "k turn" so wide.  I yell back a couple of times that my steering wheel doesn't seem to be working right.  Finally the turn is complete and I can leave.

Now I have the fun twenty minute ride with the cat...I have the thought that this cat could be psycho-it keeps running back and forth from the front seat to the back.  Thankfully it only went into my groceries once or I swear to God that I would have thrown it out of the truck on the major highway-there is no way that I was going to lose my bacon to a stray cat!  I try to keep the cat on my lap with little success.  It tries sniffing Libby and wakes her up.  I say a prayer asking for the cat not to eat her.  I coax it back on my lap and it begins trying to sniff my face-I cringe thinking, "What if it attacks my face!"  At two different points it climbs up onto the top of my head to try to sniff my face-will this car ride never end?!  My guardian angel pulled off the one hard right turn I had to make to get home safe-thankfully there were not any cars in the oncoming lane of traffic.

My entire family thinks it's great that we got another barn cat out of my humiliation....I'm still not so sure.  The cat has followed me from side to side of our house meowing to be let in.....I say it needs to work off the tab it owed me from the car ride to our house in dead barn rats....not sure on it's name yet.  The kids are fighting over "Shadow" and "Smokey"....I say it should be "Creek" or "Miracle" or "Humility."

I just bought some "steering wheel fluid that stops leaks/squeals" and am really hoping that we just have a leak and not any busted lines.

I'm also hoping that if any of you decide to play "secret santa" that you don't slip into any creek beds!!!

Wishing you the gift of being able to see God's sense of humor in life,

Always,

Stephanie