The Surreality of Divorce

I AM NOW DIVORCED.....

WORDS THAT I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER SAY, LET ALONE TYPE....

I AM NOW DIVORCED.....

Jesus with me at the foot of my cross

Yesterday I finally had my emotional breakdown in the adoration chapel during my prayer hour.  Some friends came in to say "Hi" to Jesus while out on a date......which is one of the things that he and I used to do: go to our 5pm adoration hour and then go out to dinner and/or sometimes a movie....sometimes just go grocery shopping together after we spent time praying to God......and after they left it hit me that I would never have a date like that again.....and in one of those rare occurrences during my prayer hour there was no one else in the adoration chapel and I began to sob......begging God to take this cross away from me.....to let me wake up from this nightmare and to let my life go back to the way it once was......maybe we could compromise.....maybe Jason could still have had an affair or have stolen from the store, but just NOT have hurt our kids or have any child pornography???  At the start of the next adoration hour I was found still kneeling on the floor and another friend knelt next to me, rubbing my back and holding me, just listening to me sob and beg God to take this cross away-to lift my burden.  After approximately another fifteen minutes I tried to stop crying-having looked at the clock and realizing that I needed to get home to my kids.  I guess I mentioned having to go buy food for supper and the friend offered to go buy us supper so that I could have more time to calm down and to spend in prayer.  After she left I tried to move and then realized that I had lost all feeling in my legs so I managed to crawl back to my purse and laid my head on it until someone else came in to say "Hi" to God at which point I sat up and just sat on the floor looking up at Jesus and I felt His unending love and peace flood my soul.  He knew this cross before I was ever born-before I ever married Jason....He saw Jason's sins (and my own) in the Garden of Gethsemane and He still chose to get on that cross and die for us....He died for my kids.......we will survive what seems unbearable to me right now........

Yet today still felt like a dream.  Jason was brought over from the jail and here I am talking to my husband in an orange jump suit and handcuffs about what we were both agreeing to for the divorce in front of a sheriff deputy and my lawyer.  With the verbal agreement in place the lawyer goes to the judge to ask to make it a "final divorce proceeding."  We then go into the court and everything is stated for the court record by the lawyer and then we go up one at a time to the stand and answer "yes" to all the questions being asked to us-that we were both of sound mind and knew what we were agreeing to it....then with the sound of a gavel in less time than what it took to say our wedding vows the last nine years were dissolved......we were no longer married due to "incompatibility".......Jason was led away to go back to the jail and after briefly talking to my lawyer there I am all alone......completely a single mom with sole custody of five children and the hope and prayer to God that He is the God of the widow and orphans, which is what we basically are now since Jason will be in jail for a very very long time for the crimes he committed.

SURREAL......JUST SO SURREAL.....TWO DAYS BEFORE WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY 9TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY I AM DIVORCED......

My St. Martha candle

My original patron saint from when I came into the Catholic Church is St. Martha-and her feast day is on July 29th....I have been praying for her intercession as well each night leading up to what would have been our anniversary for we were married on her feast day. She is the patron saint of servants. When I was inducted into the National Honor Society over twenty years ago I really took seriously what candle I wanted to light and I chose “service” as the guiding light for my life.....whenever I wonder about which path to follow I always end up choosing which path would serve God best through my own service.

Yet, I have peace....I know that somehow this is all works for God's good.....that there is a reason for all this pain in God's master design......and now I know that my children are safe from him especially since the youngest do not understand what is going on.

Infant Jesus Child of Prague Statue at St. Mary's in Martins Ferry, OH

When I went to the Infant Jesus Child of Prague Novena Prayer Service tonight I realized that it was the 4th novena service which means that we are half way done....this also means that hopefully all the legal paperwork to make everything final for the divorce will be completed before the end of the novena. Earlier this month when I was driving home from the novena one of my kids took this picture of a double rainbow-not the best, but we were driving at sixty miles per hour and it was on a cell phone.....you can faintly see the second rainbow in this picture.....a rainbow, God's promise to us all.

Faint Double Rainbow over Ohio River

Last week I managed to spend some time alone at Lake Erie. While driving home I had grabbed a “not so detailed map” at a rest stop.....I made some wrong turns since my gps wasn't working, so I didn't end up at the original beach I wanted to find. I ended up at East Beach in Loraine, Ohio and spent two hours sitting on the beach, journaling and just praying......letting the endless waves and the sunset start to heal my bruised soul. I ended up discovering this beautiful rose garden and took this picture of the American flag while listening to the Loraine County community choir and band perform “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” Sometimes God's wrong turns are just what we need in life.

East Beach Rose Garden

May you all experience the scary sweetness of new beginnings especially those that begin when something old fades away with the setting sun........

Always,

Stephanie 

Infant Jesus Novena and The Arms of Love

Infant Jesus of Prague


This past evening I made it to St. Mary's Catholic Church in Martins Ferry, OH  for the fourth Monday of their nine week novena to the Infant Jesus of Prague.  It's an hour drive one way so I do two hours of driving for one hour of prayer, but it is so very worth it.  Since we had been away travelling I had missed the first three Mondays, but it's better to start late than to never start at all.  The church was packed tonight compared to other times I have attended.  My heart was overjoyed to see so many people praying together to honor the infancy of Jesus.

I was overwhelmed emotionally as I sat there.   I realized that it was actually three years ago to the very week that I had sat in the cry room of the church to honor the birth of our precious Libby when my uterus had collapsed.  It's been such a long road since then.  I didn't make it back to the novena that summer nor the next as I dealt with all the pain and searched for a way to try to avoid the partial hysterectomy that I finally agreed to over a year later.  Then last year I returned from my seventeen day road trip intending to make the pilgrimage only to have an attack of pain that led to the diagnosis of interstitial cystitis bladder disease, an autoimmune disorder.  Let me just say that when this disease "flared up" in my body that I literally  felt like I had been beaten up and didn't move off the couch for three days.  Thankfully the surgeon who performed my partial floor reconstruction and partial hysterectomy also specializes in this type of disease.  I did eight weeks of "bladder rescues" where he poured a solution inside my bladder that helped ease the pain.  There is a medication that I can take that costs over $400 a month.  At this time though I have been controlling the symptoms herbally, because it's $400 for one medication!  I have only had one other flare up in a year-it felt like I was trying to pass a kidney stone.  The key to controlling the disease so far has been to make sure that during times of stress that I drink the herbal drink and to try to find a way to relax.

As I sat in the church I was also able to rattle off a list of a bunch of other June/July events stretching back over the past six years that had really shaken our lives at times......but I also realized how God had faithfully navigated us through each twist and turn.....and how both Jason and I had remained faithful to Him.  Here I was sitting in the Church where I had received my "Job moment" literally three years later still singing God's praises.  Here I was six years literally to the day when my marriage had begun it's "for worse time"-when I hadn't been sure that just two years into our marriage we could survive what we ended up surviving.....and yet we thankfully remain married through the grace of God, and our marriage is stronger than if we hadn't weathered that "for worse" storm.  I sat in a Catholic Church praying for many friends and family members, but especially one who is sick and may die.  And once again I was struck that this is the legacy I want to leave my children:

That when times get hard we get on our knees.....we work hard-as if everything depends on us, but we pray harder since everything depends on God.  Have Jason's and my money problems improved since we started our devotion to the Infant Jesus??  Not in the worldly sense-we have many months where we aren't sure at all how we are going to pay the bills, but we have never gone hungry yet, and from month to month things have worked out even when we couldn't really explain to anyone else how it all worked out.  In fact, since our country is still very much in a recession that is actually probably more of a depression, I know that we are poorer.....gas costs more, milk costs more....life just costs way more....and our pay checks are actually smaller because our taxes are more.....we're just like everyone else trying to make a living....

But I can thankfully say my faith is stronger than it was six years or even three years ago.....and my health has definitely improved even with the autoimmune disease diagnosis......and so I pray that if I were to die tomorrow that my children would cling to the Catholic faith that both Chris, Jason and I have given them.  That they would remember that I always found my peace in the Church, whether it was from making an annual novena pilgrimage or my weekly adoration hour or dragging my tired self (and theirs!) to Church each Sunday whether I felt like it or not.....because honestly, I have never regretted time that I have spent praying and singing in Church.

When times get tough may my kids always look at a crucifix and realize that it contains the arms of true love.  That true love dies to oneself and puts another's needs before it's own.  That true love requires pain and sacrifice, and that even God himself ran to pray in the Garden of Gethsemane to get through his own dark night of the soul.  That the King of all of creation humbled himself to become a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes (which were RAGS) and laid in an animal manger......that God become humble and completely dependent on Mary and Joseph to take care of all his needs....that he once had to learn how to crawl and walk and run.......and that he laughed and cried.......may they always honor the baby King that would one day give his life on a cross.

May my children remain always faithful, through good times and bad, through rich times and poor times, in sickness and in health.....May they Love God all the days of their lives.....

and May you know the Sweetness of that Faithful faith too,

Stephanie


Novena Prayer of Thanksgiving for Graces Received from the Infant Jesus

I prostrate myself before Your holy image, O most gracious Infant Jesus,

to offer You my most fervent thanks for the blessings You have bestowed on me.

I shall incessantly praise Your ineffable mercy and confess

that You alone are my God, my helper and my protector.

Henceforth my entire confidence shall be placed in You!

Everywhere I will proclaim aloud Your mercy and generosity,

so that Your great love and the great deeds which You

perform through this miraculous image may be acknowledged by all.

May devotion to Your holy infancy increase more and more in the hearts of all Christians,

and may all who experience Your assistance persevere with me

in showing unceasing gratitude to Your most holy infancy,

to which be praise and glory forever.

Amen.

Novena of Thanksgiving: Infant Jesus of Prague

Hearts for Home Tuesday

Joey and Jessie come home today!!!

We have a busy weekend ahead of us since Joey has an altar boy retreat on Friday, we have a wedding to attend on Saturday and Joey leaves for his first overnight Boy Scout camp on Sunday....so for this week I would like to focus on:

1) The joy of being home together again-and trying to be patient as we all try to find what our "new routine" is over the next month.

2) Getting Joey unpacked just to repack his stuff for camp by Thursday night so that we can all enjoy Friday and Saturday.

3)  Setting up some playdates for Jessie for next week so that she won't be too jealous of Joey being away at camp.

4) Meal planning by "shopping" out of our freezer and cupboard for things that I can crockpot for supper since it is hot and I have a newborn baby to nurse.

5) Be patient with myself and my low energy level-try to focus on "to do lists" that I can actually accomplish and be thankful for those things instead of being frustrated by everything that I don't get done each day.

6)  Hug and kiss my kids each day.

Infant Jesus of Prague

Please join our family in a Novena Prayer of Thanksgiving for Graces

Received from the Infant Jesus

I prostrate myself before Your holy image, O most gracious Infant Jesus,

to offer You my most fervent thanks for the blessings You have bestowed on me.

I shall incessantly praise Your ineffable mercy and confess

that You alone are my God, my helper and my protector.

Henceforth my entire confidence shall be placed in You!

Everywhere I will proclaim aloud Your mercy and generosity,

so that Your great love and the great deeds which You

perform through this miraculous image may be acknowledged by all.

May devotion to Your holy infancy increase more and more in the hearts of all Christians,

and may all who experience Your assistance persevere with me

in showing unceasing gratitude to Your most holy infancy,

to which be praise and glory forever.

Amen.

Our July 2011 Testimony to the Infant Jesus of Prague:

Last November 2010 I came across information about the many miracles regarding the miraculous image of the Infant Jesus of Prague, specifically regarding the many monetary miracles.  I informed my husband that we needed to be looking for an Infant of Prague statue that we could place money under while saying the Novena Devotion Prayer for the many monetary concerns we had, specifically being able to provide for our family from our in town business.  We had just found out that we were expecting another baby, which while wonderful was going to significantly change "the business plan" we had come up with for the next year or so.  To my astonishment Jason replied that we already owned one!  His mother Debbie had bought one for us in the past year and during one of her trips to visit they had placed it in our office, keeping it in its box because we didn't have room to display it at the time.  (I had been busy nursing when they had unloaded her mini-van and had forgotten being told about the statue since I hadn't "seen" the statue.)  Jason later displayed the statue and put a quarter underneath the statue.  Just three weeks later the time share that we had been trying to sell for over a year sold and after closing costs we had the exact amount we needed to pay our ob-gyn fees for the new baby!  (Jason now upgraded our quarter taped underneath the statue to a silver dollar and we moved it from the office to our family prayer altar in our living room.)

A month later I was put on bedrest for an infection, which also meant that we were receiving much higher medical bills....plus now we had to pay more payroll costs because I couldn't work at the store and Jason had to come home early to help with supper and the kids. (Normally January-August we both work more hours to conserve our "savings" to get us through until our busier time of year which is September-December.)  I began praying in earnest for all our monetary needs, my health and the health of our baby, Elizabeth Grace-also known as "Libby."  I also began praying to the Infant Jesus of Prague for all the intentions of anyone praying for us, offering up suffering for us, bringing us meals and the Eucharist, covering our adoration hour, companionship, cleaning and/or babysitting.  Jason began praying rosaries for anyone who brought us a meal-and God provided SIX MONTHS of meals delivered about three times a week to us-many times from complete strangers and/or just acquaintances.  In God's sense of humor He also began answering the last prayer on my list: the build-up of our farm for providing for our family's needs.  I added that to our litany and two weeks later we were offered the Dexter cow that subsequently died.  (When I began praying about the farm I meant AFTER the baby was born......but God obviously had different plans for the past six months.)

During my bedrest we were able to also sell the above ground swimming pool that had come with the house when we bought it four years ago.  I was able to consign over 200 kid items this past spring, plus donate about nine more bags to Samaritan Ministries.  (Downsizing our many possessions had been one of my goals for 2011 since October 2010....we still have a lot more to do, but this is a good start.)  In May we discovered that Libby was breech, so I laid down upside down on a tilted ironing board off and on for a week while adding that prayer to our list to the Infant Jesus.  After we had confirmed by ultrasound that Libby had flipped they stopped the medication on June 1st that had been stopping the contractions I had been experiencing for the entire pregnancy.  I had been praying to the Infant Jesus specifically that "Libby would be born in the hospital right side up with Dr. Edwards (our ob) delivering as close to her due date of June 20th as possible."  (My last two babies had been born "sunny side up and I wanted to avoid that pain if possible since I have all natural childbirth.)  Libby was born on June 15th at 10:21pm after two weeks of on-again/off-again contractions.  We made it to the hospital at 9:15pm and Dr. Edwards arrived around 10:15pm-just in time to deliver her and unwrap the umbilical cord that was wrapped around her neck FOUR times.  (Earlier in the week our nine year old daughter Jessica admitted that she had put ALL her money-I believe it was around $21-under the statue so that Libby would be born BEFORE she and her brother Joey left for 18 days to stay in Wisconsin with their grandparents.  Jessie had also been praying over and over again that Libby would be able to see, hear and not die via miscarriage.....the Infant Jesus of Prague answered all of Jessie's prayers.....no miscarriage, Libby can see and hear, and both Jessie and Joey were able to be "snuck in before visiting hours" to hold Libby before they boarded the airplane the morning of June 16th.

We are very thankful to the Infant Jesus of Prague for the safe arrival of baby Libby, for the monetary blessings in unexpected ways: farm animals, the providing of meals, the selling of our "extra possessions".......for the bonding that took place in our family during this bedrest period and the new skills learned-both Joey and Jessie learned how to do laundry and some new cooking skills....they also took care of their mommy and two toddler sisters on many days when they didn't feel like doing so-they definitely learned the "corporal works of mercy" right within their own family.  God blessed us to be able to continue homeschooling throughout the illness so we won't have to play "catch up".......God granted Jason with good health and the grace to help "cover" my chores.....God granted us with good employees that willingly covered the extra hours at the store.....and once again God has blessed me with the miracle of surviving that which I didn't think I could survive....I have to admit there are many days that I wish I could have a "redo" on so that I could be more charitable and joyful towards my family members-but that is how life is unfortunately.....I am very thankful to be able to move again, even as I wait for test results to come back to find out if the infection is gone or not.....and even as I have to make myself "take it slowly" since I don't have the energy level or endurance that I had prior to my illness.....

Thank you Infant Jesus of Prague for all these things!!!!

To find out more about this miraculous statue see the official website of the original statue:

http://www.pragjesu.info/en/

(I find it very interesting that the original Infant Jesus of Prague statue is contained in the Our Lady of Victory Church in Prague....Jason has a devotion to Our Lady of Victory from having grown up just a couple of hours away from the Basilica of Our Lady of Victory....and in fact his birthday present this year from his mother and all of us was a statue of Our Lady of Victory, which is  now on the opposite corner of the prayer altar from the Infant Jesus of Prague-and this was before I realized what the name of the church is where the original statue resides.)

Infant Jesus of Prague-Pray for us!


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