So, for the record, Holy Week SUCKS when you are on bedrest and are also babysitting your own babies!!!! Since we attend a Byzantine Church, the "extra" church services began last night on Holy Wednesday, so I have two services down and three more to go: Good Friday, Holy Saturday vigil and Easter Sunday. Now I can't complain because a friend is bringing me the Eucharist on Easter-life is good that way.
But I am reminded of my late friend Kelli McWilliams, who said to me before she died, "Offer it (suffering) up is what people who are not dying from cancer tell you to do-what comfort is that?" I didn't have a good response for her at the time-I think I may have even tried changing the subject, because at the time it hit me right in the gut that she was right. Sometimes there really isn't a "good response" to comfort someone who is dying and experiencing depresson outside of "this really sucks and I am so sorry....." I think the best thing that was ever said to me when I was stuck in depression ten months after my first husband died was, "Life isn't fair and the sooner you accept that the sooner you will be happy again." I was SO MAD at my friend Wendy for saying that to me-her husband was still alive after all-but that one sentence has gotten me through so many tough days since she first said it to me. I now repeat that same sentence over and over again to my two oldest children. "Life isn't fair.....Life isn't fair...."
So, I am "mucking" my way through Holy Week at home alone with my two youngest babies. I wanted to try to do something "spiritual"-read the gospel, pray the rosary, watch a Fr. Corapi dvd, or even work on my conversion to Catholicism testimony to post on my blog-the babies weren't having any of that at all. They were in need of my arms, lap and kisses. But I am now issuing my God given right to say as I try to "offer my bedrest/not being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it" for whomever needs it the most, "THIS SUCKS!!!!! And I will follow you God-but THIS SUCKS!!!!" I'm not even close to being a saint-have never been even close to being a "silent sufferer for the kingdom of God".....all I know is that all I want to do is go to church this week with my family.....and instead I am stuck here in these four walls having had it confirmed that just going to the doctor appt causes contractions this past Tuesday.....and I know that if I went to church I would want to complete the Good Friday and Holy Saturday processions around the church and kneel before my God-not things one should do on bedrest.
I know that (hopefully) my bedrest is just temporary and that I will be completely healed after baby Elizabeth is born in June....that in just two months I will be able to start to build up my strength again and begin completing the "mundane" activities of my life once again...cooking, cleaning, laundry.....and being able to walk into church praising God with all my soul for his many blessings....but right now I am lonely and depressed and struggling with the "why" of suffering....in the past after Chris died and I experienced the "loneliness" of the holidays without my spouse I could DO something about it....create new holiday traditions, focus on my kids or a charity....but now I get to experience the loneliness of "being stuck"-unable to do anything more than just sitting....and I know I should be thankful that I can still talk and write and walk to the bathroom by myself, because that catheter at Christmas REALLY SUCKED......
But it is at times like these where I fully understand how one could become very bitter and angry at life and/or God if you wanted to-if you don't try to fight off the depression as best you can....I am very lucky that I do have my husband and kids returning to me after they attend Church...at least I am not truly alone without human contact......and I begin to think of all those hurting souls in nursing homes, hospitals and prisons-or those who have no family or friends to comfort them or to have Easter dinner with.....and I know that I am so blessed. God has been so good to me in my life.....I have experienced the love of two amazing men....I will soon be blessed with five miracle children with all my infertility/medical issues....I have a good father, sister and two loving "in-law families" that make up for my mother disowning me when I became Catholic...and an amazing network of acquaintances and friends that have prayed/supported me during the first trial of being a widowed single mother and now this bedrest trial.....I have been BLESSED!.....but all these "sweetnesses of life" can easily be forgotten when one is struggling in the moment with the depression.
So, I find that I now have a much better perspective about all those souls I will be praying for during the next nine days for the Divine Mercy Novena....and that I will definitely try to go more out of my way to make sure that we extend hospitality to others, especially during the holidays....I was thinking about my late grandmother Marie earlier this week-how her pastor said at her funeral that my grandmother would notice who was at church on Sunday and who wasn't....and she personally sent the missing persons the Sunday bulletin with a short note attached letting them know they had been missed....Now she went to a tiny Protestant church in a town of a 1000-and there was only one church service....but what a cool ministry that was-she performed it with all her other "chores" for the week up until the last few months of her life when she had to be placed in a nursing home. So, hopefully when I am off of bedrest I can try to do better at "checking in" with people if I haven't seen them in awhile....often we assume that they just went to a different church service or they were out of town....but sometimes people are sick or going through a rough time and it is easier to NOT go to church, especially when one is depressed or struggling with God over an issue in their life....sometimes they just need a friendly invitation to return to the truest sweetness of home in life: God's Church and His amazing continual forgiveness and love!
May you all have a blessed Holy Week and a Happy Easter!
May God bless you and your families now and always,
Stephanie
But I am reminded of my late friend Kelli McWilliams, who said to me before she died, "Offer it (suffering) up is what people who are not dying from cancer tell you to do-what comfort is that?" I didn't have a good response for her at the time-I think I may have even tried changing the subject, because at the time it hit me right in the gut that she was right. Sometimes there really isn't a "good response" to comfort someone who is dying and experiencing depresson outside of "this really sucks and I am so sorry....." I think the best thing that was ever said to me when I was stuck in depression ten months after my first husband died was, "Life isn't fair and the sooner you accept that the sooner you will be happy again." I was SO MAD at my friend Wendy for saying that to me-her husband was still alive after all-but that one sentence has gotten me through so many tough days since she first said it to me. I now repeat that same sentence over and over again to my two oldest children. "Life isn't fair.....Life isn't fair...."
So, I am "mucking" my way through Holy Week at home alone with my two youngest babies. I wanted to try to do something "spiritual"-read the gospel, pray the rosary, watch a Fr. Corapi dvd, or even work on my conversion to Catholicism testimony to post on my blog-the babies weren't having any of that at all. They were in need of my arms, lap and kisses. But I am now issuing my God given right to say as I try to "offer my bedrest/not being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it" for whomever needs it the most, "THIS SUCKS!!!!! And I will follow you God-but THIS SUCKS!!!!" I'm not even close to being a saint-have never been even close to being a "silent sufferer for the kingdom of God".....all I know is that all I want to do is go to church this week with my family.....and instead I am stuck here in these four walls having had it confirmed that just going to the doctor appt causes contractions this past Tuesday.....and I know that if I went to church I would want to complete the Good Friday and Holy Saturday processions around the church and kneel before my God-not things one should do on bedrest.
I know that (hopefully) my bedrest is just temporary and that I will be completely healed after baby Elizabeth is born in June....that in just two months I will be able to start to build up my strength again and begin completing the "mundane" activities of my life once again...cooking, cleaning, laundry.....and being able to walk into church praising God with all my soul for his many blessings....but right now I am lonely and depressed and struggling with the "why" of suffering....in the past after Chris died and I experienced the "loneliness" of the holidays without my spouse I could DO something about it....create new holiday traditions, focus on my kids or a charity....but now I get to experience the loneliness of "being stuck"-unable to do anything more than just sitting....and I know I should be thankful that I can still talk and write and walk to the bathroom by myself, because that catheter at Christmas REALLY SUCKED......
But it is at times like these where I fully understand how one could become very bitter and angry at life and/or God if you wanted to-if you don't try to fight off the depression as best you can....I am very lucky that I do have my husband and kids returning to me after they attend Church...at least I am not truly alone without human contact......and I begin to think of all those hurting souls in nursing homes, hospitals and prisons-or those who have no family or friends to comfort them or to have Easter dinner with.....and I know that I am so blessed. God has been so good to me in my life.....I have experienced the love of two amazing men....I will soon be blessed with five miracle children with all my infertility/medical issues....I have a good father, sister and two loving "in-law families" that make up for my mother disowning me when I became Catholic...and an amazing network of acquaintances and friends that have prayed/supported me during the first trial of being a widowed single mother and now this bedrest trial.....I have been BLESSED!.....but all these "sweetnesses of life" can easily be forgotten when one is struggling in the moment with the depression.
So, I find that I now have a much better perspective about all those souls I will be praying for during the next nine days for the Divine Mercy Novena....and that I will definitely try to go more out of my way to make sure that we extend hospitality to others, especially during the holidays....I was thinking about my late grandmother Marie earlier this week-how her pastor said at her funeral that my grandmother would notice who was at church on Sunday and who wasn't....and she personally sent the missing persons the Sunday bulletin with a short note attached letting them know they had been missed....Now she went to a tiny Protestant church in a town of a 1000-and there was only one church service....but what a cool ministry that was-she performed it with all her other "chores" for the week up until the last few months of her life when she had to be placed in a nursing home. So, hopefully when I am off of bedrest I can try to do better at "checking in" with people if I haven't seen them in awhile....often we assume that they just went to a different church service or they were out of town....but sometimes people are sick or going through a rough time and it is easier to NOT go to church, especially when one is depressed or struggling with God over an issue in their life....sometimes they just need a friendly invitation to return to the truest sweetness of home in life: God's Church and His amazing continual forgiveness and love!
May you all have a blessed Holy Week and a Happy Easter!
May God bless you and your families now and always,
Stephanie
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